Speaking Shame

I had a client once who asked me if I thought shame was at the core of his emotional difficulties, and I apparently responded that "shame is at the core of all emotional difficulties." This is one of those lines that I immediately forgot I said until this client returned years later for a brief consultation and informed me that he never forgot that sentence.

Whenever I witness intense negative emotions I assume that a core of shame is fueling its power. Shame seems to magnify whatever it touches. Shame turns anger into rage and resentment, anxiety into panic, sadness into suicide, organization and order into obsession, and instability into chaos.

Shame keeps secrets, increases isolation, numbs the senses and promotes self-loathing. Shame is elusive, often denying its own presence. Shame blames mercilessly without seeking resolution, and blinds a person into act in ways that will often inevitably later cause regret or more pain.

As I've previously written, there is a clear difference between toxic shame and healthy guilt:

(G)uilt is a feeling you have toward something you’ve done, while shame is centered on the person you think you are. Also, guilt can be reduced by taking some kind of action, while shame is something that you feel powerless to do anything about. Guilt can be healthy when it motivates you toward better behavior, while the hallmark of shame is to keep you repeating the same dysfunctional behavior that produced the shame to begin with.

Acklnowledgement of shame is its death knell. Shame withers under the courageous willingness to announce its existence to trusted others. I noticed this week that Pope Benedict XVI, during his recent visit to the United States, said this of the clergy sex-abuse scandal:"I am deeply ashamed, and will do what is possible so this cannot happen again in the future." Shame that is spoken is shame that can eventually be released, while the silence of secrecy gives shame greater power. There is a saying from the Gospel of Thomas that states:

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

This is an excellent description of the lifesaving power that comes from speaking aloud the most secret sources of shame.

So if you have secrets that cause you shame, if you feel that you are defective to the core, find somebody to confide in. It is important that whoever you choose is capable of handling what they may hear, as it can be devastating to expose a shameful secret to a judgmental or overwhelmed person. 12-step groups provide amazing opportunities to release the most toxic secrets and experience acceptance. Religious or spiritual mentors can provide wonderfully safe havens for sharing shameful secrets. Many therapists are trained to be exceptionally helpful in healing the roots of core shame.

I've previously written about bravery, and I am convinced that sharing a source of deep shame is just about the bravest act a person can demonstrate in this world.

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