This is the second in a series of observations that I have gathered in my years as a psychotherapist. It describes examples of what I call useful therapeutic distinctions, ways of approaching common traps in thoughts and emotions which often confront us in our quest to live "wisely and well".
Empathy vs. sympathy - These two concepts are very different even though they seem the same to many people. Sympathy is just feeling sorry for a person. That’s fine as far as it goes, and it's certainly preferable to not caring how somebody feels. But empathy isn’t just having sympathy for how somebody feels. It involves stepping into that feeling, trying it on, experiencing how it feels to be in the other person’s shoes. When we are empathetic we gain appreciation for alternate viewpoints. Empathy is evolutionarily adaptive.
Happiness vs. serenity – Sometimes I hear people say they want to be happy. Parents often talk about wanting their kids to grow up happy. While I understand the sentiment, I usually take some time right from the start to suggest a different goal. I agree with the perspective that happiness is more a by-product of compassionant, connected, balanced living than a goal in itself. Life is going to give an equal measure of light and dark, to paraphrase Jung. Rather than expect to be happy all the time I would rather be equipped to handle the full range of emotions, events and situations that I'm going to encounter in this life. And that, to me, is a measure of serenity.
Self-centering vs self-centered – Some people think mainly of themselves and need to learn to focus more on others, while there are those who pay too much attention to the needs and opinions of others and need to do a better job of caring for themselves. It’s hard to be a healthy presence to others when you yourself are a mess. Only when you take care of yourself can you be emotionally balanced enough to respond appropriately to whatever life throws your way. Airline passengers are advised to put the oxygen mask over themselves first before anyone else. This is not being selfish or self-centered. This is enlightened self-interest in action. Similarly, I often advise clients on the importance of engaging in self-centering behavior.
Guilt vs. shame – I like the idea that guilt is a feeling you have toward something you’ve done, while shame is centered on the person you think you are. Also, guilt can be reduced by taking some kind of action, while shame is something that you feel powerless to do anything about. Guilt can be healthy when it motivates you toward better behavior, while the hallmark of shame is to keep you repeating the same dysfunctional behavior that produced the shame to begin with.
Sacred vs special – It took me a long time to learn that the words “sacred” and “sacrifice” share the same root. Many moments in life can be special, but it takes significant loss for something to be sacred. Repeat: nothing is sacred without sacrifice. I think this is important to remember when a person is giving up something meaningful to them, including something destructive like an addiction. It means that a conscious choice to experience the pain of loss is a sacred act.
Simple vs easy – Sometimes people forget that just because something is simple doesn’t make it easy. A course of action doesn’t have to be complicated to be difficult. When clients forget this they often berate themselves for not being able to do something that should be “simple”. That’s when I remind them of this important distinction.
Anger vs. resentment vs. rage – The Clash famously sang, “Anger can be power”! It’s important to distinguish between personal power, which emanates from your self, and “power over”, that requires an act of control over others. Anger is often an appropriate response in life. There’s a bumper sticker that correctly says, “If you’re not outraged then you’re not paying attention.”
But anger, like any emotion, needs to be properly experienced to remain healthy. Resentment is the slow burn of generalized anger, and is inevitably destructive to the person who feels it. It's like a coal that burns only the person holding it. And rage is a tipping of the balance in which anger controls the person rather than the other way around.
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