Is It Really Just?

“Just” has the potential to be a dangerous word.

“Just” is the sound of a camel getting his nose into the tent: his body will soon follow.  “I’m just going to have one drink”.  "It's just a little lie." "I just couldn't help myself."

“Just” is a Trojan horse bearing excuses.  “I was just…..”  are three little words that can defend against almost any charge or accusation. In adult relationships, when someone explains their relationship with another person by saying "we're just good friends", chances are they're more than that.
 

"Just" has its place, but not as much as it wants.  It is a word that can make anything relative, and some things don't work that way.  A classic example is someone who is “just a little pregnant”.

"Just" shares a root with "justification".  It can be used to justify all kinds of shenanigans. Some people utter it like a magical incantation to minimize the significance of almost any event or action. 

"Just" can distort reality to a person's wishes. “I’ll just be five more minutes on the computer” often turns out to be half an hour.  It keeps people from having to say exactly what they mean.

"Just" is not always just.

Just do it?  Sometimes, but not always.

The Wisdom of a Hammer

Generally the wisest of all statements are so short as to seem almost childishly simplistic.  A truly profound comment is often met with a disappointed “well sure, I knew that one already.  Is that all?”    

One example is “this moment is all you have; there is only now”.   This is a truism that is simple to acknowledge but not easy to remember.  If we could truly live this sentiment we wouldn’t be constantly swinging back and forth between the past, where sadness and regret reside, and the future, the home of all fear.

One of the greatest sources of wisdom is that which is found inside of a paradox, two statements that are true but which contradict each other.  The quantum physicist Neils Bohr famously stated that “the opposite of a correct statement is a false statement, but the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."

In support of this statement I can point to many of the aphorisms heard in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, such as “you have to give it away to keep it”, and “admitting you don’t have power is the source of true power”. The Bible has another famous example: “when I am weak I am strong". (2 Cor 12:10)  A personal favorite of mine for years has been “the way up is down”, which to me means that reaching down into our imperfections is the way to find real and lasting peace in who we are.

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But if paradox is like a pair of scissors that uses two sharp edges to cut a line, a simple profundity is truth’s hammer.  One hit is enough to command attention.  Again, Alcoholics Anonymous has a number of these “simple rules for complicated people”, and from time to time a person lost in confusion (generally self-imposed) has a moment of clarity upon hearing a curt comment that is both laughingly humorous and deadly serious, such as “if you want to get sober you have to stop drinking”.  

Similarly, I try to remind people (and personally remember) the advice that “if you want self-esteem you need to do esteemable things”.   

All of this came to mind after I stumbled over a quote from a guy named Ramakrishna, 19^th century Indian mystic.  This sage once intoned to his devoted followers: “if you want to go east, don’t go west.”

Well sure, I knew that one already. Is that all?

Or?

In 2009 I wrote a piece about how the simple word "and" has tremendous therapeutic potential.  I still begin some counseling sessions by just gently saying to my client: ".....and?"  It acknowledges that all stories are ongoing, that endings are often merely pauses, and that each moment is always ripe for development.  I also pointed out how "and" can serve as a marvelous replacement for the word "but".  Try it and see!

A little over a year later I wrote a follow-up reflection on how the phrase ".....and yet?" helps to draw out healthy alternative perspectives on any issue at hand.  It's a way of asking "what's on the opposite side of the coin?"  As I wrote then:

Sometimes I will simply alternate between asking "...and?" along with "...and yet?"  in a friendly fashion.  Rocking gently back and forth between these two simple questions can lead to a great deal of consideration of the relative merits of any position, decision or course of action.

It's now time for my yearly comment on another therapeutic conjunction, and this year's candidate is "or".  This is a true powerhouse of a word for therapeutic change, for its job is to bring choice into the forefront of consideration.  Without choice freedom doesn't exist and real consciousness is reduced to a merely mechanical process.  As an example, there's no "or" for an engine: it just does the job it's built to do.  Choices are the domain of the driver who determines which way to go.  If you're not consciously considering what your choices are in this moment you're not really driving your life.  And there's no choice without the concept of "or". 

This may seem like meaningless wordplay, but there are times when the absence of "or"  is serious business.  An addict experiencing a powerful compulsion has the "or" squeezed out of him, leaving nothing but more of the same familiar pain ahead.  Couples get locked into the same no-win conflicts because they lose the ability to make truly mindful choices when the heat is on.  Part of a successful therapeutic experience is building more "or" into any sequence of behaviors.

"Or" is the sound of freedom.  It's absence is inevitability.

I'm already wondering what conjunction will be up for examination a year from now.  My prediction is "yet".  Stay tuned.

Nice vs. Good

Are nice people always good? Are good people always nice?  It’s common to mistakenly confuse these two concepts.  

Being ‘nice’ is a valuable component of a functional relationship.  Couples who are not nice to each other can engage in behaviors that alienate and antagonize both parties; this degrades the overall sense of safety, respect and collaboration that a healthy relationship needs.  Critical, insensitive words and actions prevent people from hearing each other and working together.  In many situations the phrase “just be nice” seems to be very sound advice.

Some people, however, grew up in families where avoiding anger was a way to maintain a sense of physical or emotional safety.   Being ‘nice’ was such an important tool for feeling safe that even as adults they may hold back their true feelings as a way of avoiding conflict.   

There are times when speaking what you know to be true may scrape up against another person’s comfort level, but it’s often the right thing to do.  Learning an effective technique such as nonviolent communication (NVC) is a powerful way to respectfully express honest feelings rather than simply being "nice". 

Being mean is always a bad thing to do, but this doesn't mean that being nice is always a good thing to do. 

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.  He is available for confidential in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Fueled By or Ruled By?

It’s good to have a passion that drives you to achieve a desired goal, whether it is economic success, artistic or athletic achievement, or any other avenue of personal development which leads to greater life satisfaction.  The motivation to accomplish a worthwhile outcome can be an energizing, sustaining and satisfying experience.  It is rich fuel for the journey.

But sometimes what masquerades as passion is actually an insatiable drive toward a goal that ignores healthy boundaries and can potentially be detrimental to a life well lived.  A person driven at all costs to achieve certain outcome can become so consumed with this quest that all sense of balance is lost.  When nothing matters to you but achievement, how you get there often becomes irrelevant.

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether you are “fueled by” or “ruled by” a desire.  There are certainly times in which it is necessary to put almost everything aside in order to achieve a certain goal.  “Digging in” with a spirit of dogged determination to accomplish a certain task with little regard for anything else can be heroic.  But the compulsive drive to achieve some goal with little regard for the negative consequences it can bring to self or others, especially if that goal ultimately has relatively little meaning, is likely to be more draining than sustaining. 

When you examine the various desires you have, it’s helpful to ask: “Am I fueled by them, or am I ruled by them?”  Sometimes the answer is hard to face or difficult to discern.  What rules us often blinds us, while what fuels us more often reveals itself with refreshing clarity.  By this measure, if you don’t know the answer, you probably know the answer.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.  He is available for confidential in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .
 

Participate, Don't Anticipate!

A natural function of the human brain is to consider how any particular situation is going to play out.  Being able to predict the outcome of an action or event is crucial not only for survival but for happiness.  The earliest humans undoubtedly regularly anticipated the future to insure successful hunting of prey: which way will dinner go? 

Predictive ability is therefore an evolutionary skill.  And yet this ability can turn into a liability when taken to extremes.  As an example, one characteristic of people who are prone to excessive anxiety is to spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on what might happen.  This is the wellspring of what can grow to become an unhealthy obsession.  Planning to achieve or avoid a certain outcome can become so consuming that it prevents actively being “in the moment”.  This is a case where “if”prevents “is”.  Before long fantasy (imagining something that will only exist in the future, if at all) takes time and energy away from reality (obviously, what actually exists in the present). 

Fantasy is often unconsciously used as a way to deal with anxiety.  This is why I recommend becoming skilled at:

1.  noticing periods of intensified fantasy (as measured by how often it occurs, how intense it is and/or how long it lasts, i.e. frequency, severity, duration) and then to take two more  related steps:
2.  coming back to the “here and now”, and
3.  reflecting on what thoughts, feelings or events were just occurring immediately prior to the flight into fantasy, in order to deal with them in a healthier, more direct manner.

Staying engaged in the present moment is helpful in reducing anxiety and letting go of preconceived notions of how something should work out.  Rather than attempting to anticipate how a course of action will unfold, endeavor to simply participate in the moment without “future tripping”.  This creates a haven for happiness that does not depend on the future.

This strategy is consistent with what I consider to be two important principles: (a) we often don’t really know what kind of future is best for us, and (b) basing the worth of an action on a specific outcome takes us away from basic principle or serenity, i.e. being ok in the moment. Focusing on an outcome rather than a process turns us once again from human beings into human doings. 

Of course this does not mean that we should not prepare for our future by thinking ahead.  Fantasy is not the same as planning or vision.  Obviously it’s important to chart a course through life based upon certain realities, i.e. we will get older and our needs will change.  Also, a vision or quest for our higher self allows us to find the best opportunities for growth.  We may not reach it, but as Goethe wrote "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's heaven for?"

Future tripping is only one of a number of ways we can overuse fantasy like it's cognitive junk food.  I hope to eventually to eventually write a series of articles on what I consider to be the inherent danger of “fantasy addiction”, such as re-imagining our past based on what we wish we had done, projecting our insecurities onto other people by “comparing our inside with their outside”, and so forth.  

So remember, rather than overly anticipating where your life will head, fully occupy this moment by participating where you are.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Flooding vs. Washing

A flood is not just about what happens when a river exceeds its banks.  It can also refer to what happens when a person is subjected to more intense stimulation than he or she can effectively handle.  Some brief comparisons between the natural world of geography and the inner experience of the mind will illuminate this point.

Whenever a person is overwhelmed by more cognitive or emotional input than the brain can effectively process, a kind of neurological flooding occurs.  The nervous system can only handle so much before it starts to withdraw from the source of stimulation.  This is when people begin to compensate in a number of ways: the ability to pay attention diminishes or emotional responsiveness begins to ‘numb out‘.  

In more drastic situations a person who is flooded with intensely unpleasant emotional stimuli can start to shut down along several dimensions of healthy functioning.  Reactions become either blunted or excessive, a sense of emotional security can begin to wither, and a person’s overall ability to cope with even minor events can falter.  Once effective neurological processing ceases to keep up with the excessive demands placed upon it, long-term traumatic repercussions can develop.  Just as in nature, the damage caused by flooding can continue long after the waters recede.    

But the amount of water that falls is not the only reason why a flood occurs.  How the land is contoured can make all the difference.   A well-irrigated field can handle a lot of water, and even benefit from it, while a barren plain has no place for the water to go.  Similarly, good drainage goes a long way toward keeping the current moving without backing up to cause even more extensive damage.  Ground that is already saturated can’t absorb any more.  And finally, the strength of the barrier between water and land is as crucial as anything else.  The flood doesn’t happen unless the levee breaks.  

All of these variables have correlates within the human coping mechanism.  Based upon the above, it’s possible to be as prepared as possible to prevent emotional flooding when a deluge of stress occurs in life.

For instance, are you well-irrigated or barren?  This is determined by the extent to which you have ways to expend the energy of anxiety in the most effective ways possible.  Exercise, hobbies, creative outlets, adequate sleep and diet, spiritual and philosophical sources of support and other aids to the development of resiliency all help to dissipate and even productively utilize some measure of stress in productive ways.

What does it mean to have good psychological ‘drainage’?  This is achieved by having trustworthy people to confide in about the full range of your emotional experience.  This is why friends, healthy family members, support group peers and even counselors and therapists are so important.  This helps your emotional ground from becoming so saturated that you can’t handle any more difficulties constructively.

Self-awareness can’t be over-emphasized.  Remaining mindful of your entire state of being is crucial to insuring the health of your intellect, emotions, body, relationships and spirit.  This is the equivalent of monitoring the levee when the waters rise and insuring that areas of ‘high ground’ remain fully tended.  This is not the time to realize you have holes in your boat, no oars and no provisions to use until help arrives or the waters recede.

This whole extended metaphor emerged from a simple reflection in a therapy session about the distinction between ‘flooded’ and ‘’washed’.  To finish the analogy, this is the benefit of keep all gutters and drains free of emotional debris so that they can effectively carry the stress away.  With these characteristics, you can withstand the inevitable deluges of life stress to come into and go out of your life in the best way possible.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.