How Do You Paint A Flower?

So many problems between people stem from an insistence that everyone should see things the same way. Terrible destruction occurs in the world every day over differences in religious convictions, political ideologies, national identities, cultural viewpoints.....the list goes on and on. And on the level of intimate relationships between two people, it is so very common for one person to expect and even demand that his or her partner share an identical view on an issue that seems trivial to an outsider.

People who appreciate art know that the same image can be viewed in many ways. Van Gogh, Rembrandt or Picasso will depict the same flower very differently! Is any one of them "wrong"? Of course not. Each artist reveals some essential aspect of that flower's beauty.

In a sense we are all artists coloring the world according to our unique vision. So many couples in my counseling practice struggle with the challenge of reconciling their diverse approaches to life and relationships. While excessive disagreement is certainly a major problem with some couples, too much agreement can dull a relationship's spirit. Sex becomes limited to whatever behaviors don't challenge the most cautious person. New cuisines are never sampled. No one ever risks rocking the boat.

An art gallery that only displays works that appeal to everyone is not nearly as vibrant as those that challenge the viewer to expand his or her conception of what true art can reveal about the human experience. A dynamic balance between the two extremes is often the best course for all involved. The famous marriage therapist Virginia Satir held that couples connect on the basis of being similar but grow on the basis of being different.

I'm certainly not saying that all perspectives have equal validity. One person abusing another can't justify this type of behavior any more than someone defacing a work of art can claim a moral authority to do so. And the fact remains that divergent extremes of position have their own consequences, as is true for some artists who don't attract much of a following. But outside of these extremes there is a lot of room for diverse opinions if only we will respect them.

As Jackson Pollock said, "Every good painter paints what he is."

Airplane Metaphors

From time to time I share some of the many therapeutic metaphors I use in my counseling work with individuals and couples. I find that analogies are often useful ways to highlight important points in a memorable, illuminating and lasting manner. I was recently reflecting on four metaphors involving airplanes that I find myself using from time to time.

The first "airplane metaphor" highlights the importance of engaging in positive behaviors sufficiently enough to account for shifting circumstances that may otherwise prove too much to handle. Although I've often written about the value of small or incremental change, the fact remains that sometimes people don't alter their behavior enough to guard against "crashing and burning" under dire conditions.

A classic example of this principle is a person with an alcohol problem who continues to associate with former drinking buddies. While successful sobriety is possible for a period of time under such circumstances, the risk of an eventual relapse is unnecessarily high. Another example that is common to many people is to fail to save sufficient money to handle the typical kinds of unexpected expenditures that befall everybody, such as large car repairs or purchases, job loss, sudden illness and other financial hardships. I think of these situations as being similar to a plane flying a mere 50 feet above the ground: a slight change in the terrain or a sudden downdraft can result in devastating consequences.

A second and related "airplane metaphor" involves the importance of gaining sufficient momentum to bring about the sustained process of positive change. For example, I recently worked with a client who began medication for depression but who only took one-half of the recommended dose. Not surprisingly this approach wasn't very effective, which only reinforced her sense of futility. I emphasized the importance of taking the full dosage long enough to give the medication a fair chance of working. I used the example that although a plane may roll down a runway at 40 miles an hour it will never fly at that speed.

A third "airplane metaphor" involves the importance of 'flying solo' with a new behavior. As I've previously written, a pilot-in-training needs a minimum amount of "stick time" before being considered competent enough to fly without an instructor on board. Simulating an emergency situation is a useful way to safely evaluate the student pilot's ability to handle the "real deal" when it comes along. In a similar manner I sometimes encourage clients who have made great gains to consciously create and resolve a high-risk situation while we are still working together in order to gain a sense of independent competence that can prove to be very helpful in the future.

The fourth metaphor involving airplanes is a tragic condition known as the "graveyard spiral", in which an increasingly disoriented pilot gradually allows the plane to enter into an ever-tightening spiral while under the mistaken impression that it is still flying straight and level. By the time the pilot realizes the mistake it is too late, and the plane crashes. This underscores the reality that sometimes we think we are on the proper course when in fact we are heading toward destruction. For this reason we all need to have reliable and accurate feedback about our true heading and not make matters worse through our own well-intended but misguided actions.

Finally, there are times when a therapy session is rollicking along but the time is running out. I don't want to end the meeting too abruptly so I will let the client know of our dilemma and suggest we both look for "a plane to land the plane". We generally are then able to wrap things up quickly but smoothly.

Through the use of metaphors such as these, clients are often able to apply deep truths to their lives in a way that wouldn't happen by direct instruction. This is why I consider metaphoric language to be so very useful in helping people to lead happier, healthier lives.

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Go Slower To Get There Faster

The phrase "go slower to get there faster" is an important component of personal growth.

We all generally want to achieve our goals quickly, right? Magazine covers are filled with tips for "losing weight fast", and the desire to "get rich quick" is compelling. Yet it's common knowledge that weight quickly lost can be easily regained, and the idea that "fast money" can be earned with little investment is a major reason the housing market tumbled and investment earnings evaporated almost overnight.

I like to see people make speedy gains in my counseling and psychotherapy practice. Sometimes just a few meetings are all that is needed to turn around a situation that may have initially seemed very dire. These are occasions for great rejoicing. But it's also the case that sometimes people settle for a cosmetic appearance of improvement when a deeper and more sustained level of effort is required for lasting change.

The most effective change is often achieved gradually. Many problems didn't occur overnight and it's unrealistic to expect that they will be overcome immediately. I like to use the analogy of crooked teeth: braces take years of fairly continuous pressure to bring about the proper alignment, but the end result is worth the effort.

I've written before how slight improvements can bring about great results, either by engaging in a novel effort or implementing a small change over a longer period of time. One significant benefit of incremental rather than dramatic change is that it allows for adjustments along the way. An idea that initially seems excellent can turn into a nightmare later on if it's acted upon too rashly (one of the many reasons against marrying a person soon after a divorce.) As the old saying goes, "act in haste, repent at leisure."

New homeowners who want to landscape their property with various trees and plants often ignore spacing recommendations and arrange everything too close together. While the design may look attractive for a season or two, once the plants mature and start to crowd into each other the investment of time, money and energy can be a source of great regret.

Knowing when to act quickly and when to slow down can be confusing in the middle of a difficult situation. This is when a trustworthy source of guidance is invaluable. Someone who has frequently been over the same terrain that you're just beginning to travel can be of immense benefit. It's no surprise that I think an experienced counselor such as myself can serve such a role, but anyone with wisdom and objectivity can guide you.

Remember the quote from the Tao Te Ching: "Spring comes, the grass grows by itself." If you're truly committed to personal growth then you're in it for the long haul. Pace yourself and enjoy the scenery.
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Why "Better" is Better Than "Best"

I recently introduced the concept that "progress works backwards", meaning that growth toward a desired goal generally happens in incrementally improving stages. I find a lot of hope in the idea that what initially seems like "failure" is more productively viewed as useful feedback on the path to ultimate success.

A corollary philosophy to the above idea is the interesting concept that "better is often better than best". This may initially seem to be a confusing and contradictory statement, but the idea is actually both simple and comforting.

As Geri Larkin wrote in "Stumbling Toward Enlightenment", "It's never a straight line." Any sustained endeavor is undoubtedly going to have its ups and downs. Setbacks are an inevitable byproduct in the pursuit of any worthwhile goal.

People who attend 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous are intimately familiar with the valuable concept of "progress, not perfection". Many therapists have recognized that perfectionism is often accompanied by it's "evil twin" of procrastination which halts all effort toward improvement. People who seek to do something perfectly often get discouraged and quit making any effort once they fall off the mark. As George S. Patton observed, "A good plan implemented today is better than a perfect plan implemented tomorrow."

Some ideal goals serve to inspire people while being forever impossible to attain. I often think of sailors throughout history who navigated their ships across vast expanses of ocean by using the North Star as a constant reference point. Similarly, the goal of absolute perfection can never be reached, even though it can be useful in setting and maintaining a course of action.

While I've previously written that relatively minor improvements often result in remarkable positive changes, the inverse proposition is true: past a certain point of improvement any continued effort is going to yield smaller and smaller gains. This reality has long been referred to as the law of diminishing returns.

There's a popular saying in business circles that "the good is the enemy of the great." This philosophy is often used to justify ever-increasing demands toward perfection. It implies that people or organizations that settle for 'mere adequacy' are inherently failing in their efforts by not striving toward a greater goal. Anything short of perfection becomes by definition mediocre. What a standard!

Ironically this aphorism turns out to be a mistranslation of a quote by by the French philosopher Voltaire, who actually wrote that "the perfect is the enemy of the good". Rather than claiming that what is "good" is inherently inferior to what is "perfect", Voltaire was warning that the quest for perfection carries its own demons. One of my friends once said "My old car can get me to most of the same places a Mercedes goes." I bet he's going to live a long life.

This idea brings to mind the provocative saying that sometimes "less is more." Rather than attempting to do too much, a certain simplicity of action is often a mark of wisdom and quiet power. This is similar to the concept of "addition by subtraction", meaning that it is often better to reduce or eliminate negative components rather than trying to pile on more positive ones. For example, if an apple in a bag is rotten, it makes more sense to simply remove it than to futilely expend energy searching for the elusive "perfect" bag. Similarly, it is often far more efficient to reduce whatever distracts from a goal instead of getting frustrated and exhausted by "trying harder".

By the way, in my journey through the human psyche I've also come across the idea that "worse is better". This seemingly contradictory statement simply means that dismantling something is often necessary before reconstructing it in a more improved form. A person experiencing active withdrawal from a drug addiction, for example, is going to temporarily feel worse to the exact measure that he or she is actually getting better. Likewise, in some cases two people in a deeply troubled relationship may need to separate before reuniting to form a healthier partnership with each other.

One of my favorite books is "The Spirituality of Imperfection", whose author, Ernest Kurtz, brilliantly demonstrates the inestimable benefit of recognizing and accepting the reality of humans as imperfect beings. Much of human interactions involve people showing their "best side" to each other. This unfortunately can have the unintended consequence of each person feeling either inferior or superior to the other due to "comparing your inside with other peoples' outside." The essence of spirituality is to be found in the imperfection of human beings, not in some imagined ideal way of living a life that can never be reached.

In conclusion, I'm not proposing that excellence isn't a very worthy goal. For example, I take great satisfaction in providing a consistent degree of excellence in my therapeutic work with each of my clients. My goal here is simply to introduce some useful ideas for balancing the desire to achieve perfection without proper regard to the cost involved. To once again borrow from the wisdom of 12-step groups, often the sanest and ultimately "best" course of action can be summed up in three simple words:

"Easy Does It!"

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Quantity vs. Quality

I have counseled many financially successful individuals who find their personal and family lives in turmoil. Such men and women are often emotionally unprepared for such a shock, in part because they have insufficiently developed their insight into the deeper treasures of life.

I think many adults have spent years trying to fulfill an image of themselves that they latched onto when they were vulnerable children. But a child's idea of what constitutes success is not likely to be sufficient for a fully formed adult. The transient nature of contemporary life often results in a lack of true mentors along the road to adulthood, and this absence of caring counsel all too often results in men and women who find their lives emotionally impoverished after they've achieved the trappings of outward success.

There is a tremendous difference between quantity (how much one has) and quality (what it ultimately means). Without the proper emotional guidance along the way it is easy to end up with piles of stuff rather than depth of meaning. Oscar Wilde famously quipped that "a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing", and unfortunately there are a lot of similarly disillusioned people whose lives are not as fulfilling and satisfying as they had initially hoped and worked for.

More is not always better. As Albert Einstein observed, "not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." To understand this is the beginning of true wisdom.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Sex Addiction: Three Drugs In One

Thank you for wanting to read "Sex Addiction: Three Drugs In One." this useful presentation of the highly reinforcing nature of compulsive sexual behavior has been moved to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

Progress Works Backwards

To resolve a problem obviously means that a desired outcome has been reached, while progress means that some type of incremental improvement has been made. Seems simple, right? If something "bad" gets "better", most people would consider that to be progress. But have you ever considered the implication that progress works backwards? Let me explain what I mean.

Consider a two-pack-a-day smoker who attempts to quit cigarettes through effort, encouragement and maybe even nicotine patches or medication. If that person resumes the habit after a week, the fact remains that he or she achieved 7 days free of nicotine, which is a remarkable achievement. After all, a habit builds up gradually, so developing healthier habits often occur the same way.

The same can be said about any attempt at personal improvement. Whether the problem being addressed is excess weight, panic attacks, marital disagreements or any other barrier to health and happiness, "progress" is a journey in the right direction. As I've written before, the three measures of progress are changes in frequency, severity and duration. A problem can be said to be better either if it occurs less often, isn't as intense when it does occur, or doesn't last as long as it used to. So complete resolution isn't always a requirement in order to demonstrate that progress is being made.

This concept eliminates much of the demoralization that can ensue if the absence of perfect resolution is considered to be a"failure". As Thomas Edison is reported to have said after repeatedly trying to invent a workable light bulb, rather than failing he had learned many examples of what not to try. With this perspective there is no failure, only feedback. What often seems like failure often turns out to be the progress that precedes ultimate success. A toddler learning to walk does not fail by falling, for that is an expected developmental stage for everyone, even a future gold medal runner. As the theologian Henri Nouwen eloquently stated:

When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. Your healing is not a straight line. You must expect setbacks and regressions. Don’t say to yourself, “All is lost. I have to start all over again.” This is not true. What you have gained, you have gained........When you return to the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started........It is important not to dwell on the small moments when you feel pulled away from your progress. Try to return home, to the solid place within you, immediately.

This does not mean that the concept of incremental progress works for all problems. A person who robs fewer banks than last year isn't going to earn the applause of the police. Sometimes, in the words of Yoda to Luke Skywalker, "Do....or do not. There is no try." But in reality the rest of us are imperfect humans who don't have to be like Jedi Knights in all things.

This concept that progress often happens in reverse is beautifully captured in the famous poem by Portia Nelson entitled "Autobiography In Five Short Chapters":

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

So strive to keep learning something valuable each time you stumble and scrape yourself in the journey toward your goal and you will continue progressing "backward" to your eventual success.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.