Pay Now Or Pay Later

A lot of conscious growth is difficult to achieve. Whether it's exercising to grow stronger, studying a subject to gain knowledge, facing personal demons to transform them, going through withdrawal to break free of addiction or working through conflict to improve a relationship, there is a lot of pain on the front end. The result of this hard work, when it pays off, is a sense of relief, accomplishment, gratitude, self-esteem, resilience, serenity, insight, strength and untold other benefits.

On the other hand, a lot of activities are easy or fun at first. The pain comes later. Avoiding an issue, getting high, living in denial, eating junk, watching porn, wasting money and many other so-called vices can give a lot of pleasure on the front end but wind up causing grief, isolation, wasted opportunities, regret, devastation and an almost infinite number of problems that just get worse as time goes by.

As the saying goes, there's no free lunch. You can pay it now or later. If you go through the work that is before you, whatever it is, you will reap the benefits as time moves forward. If you take the easy way out, the hard part will be waiting ahead for you. Experience the high now or the width later. Now is the time. This is the place. You are the person.

Press Release Regarding Sex Addiction From Atlanta Expert

SEX ADDICTION SYMPTOMS AND TREATMENT EXPLAINED

ATLANTA, Georgia (January 21, 2010)

Recent reports that golfer Tiger Woods has entered a rehabilitation center for treatment of sex addiction has sparked much interest in the symptoms and treatment of this disorder. Bill Herring, LCSW, a local psychotherapist who specializes in the treatment of sex addiction, reports that sex addiction actually affects millions of people nationwide, including thousands in the Atlanta area.

Herring explains that sex addiction isn’t defined by the frequency of sexual behavior or the types of behavior a person engages in. “Sex addiction is more than just liking sex a lot. It’s being unable to stop engaging in secret and unhealthy sexual activity despite a sincere desire to do so.” Even the awareness of negative consequences is not enough to cause a true sex addict to stop. The eventual results can be devastating, including damage to a person’s health, job and relationships as well as a loss of integrity, trust, time and self-esteem.

Sex addiction is almost always accompanied by deep levels of secrecy and deception, Herring explains. “This increases a person’s isolation and increasingly distorted thinking. Eventually sexual excitement becomes an all-purpose ‘high’ that intensifies, soothes, rewards or numbs almost any situation of feeling.” The easy availability of pornography and sexual intrigue on the Internet causes many otherwise moral and loving people to get caught in a downward spiral of uncontrolled sexual obsession.

Sex addiction affects people from all walks of life, all of whom generally feel great shame at their inability to stop. Promises and remorse, no matter how sincere, usually aren’t enough to keep a person from returning to the ‘false intimacy’ of compulsive sexual behavior. This can be particularly devastating to spouses and others who find their trust shattered by being betrayed, often repeatedly.

Specialized treatment for sexually addictive behavior is increasingly available, according to Herring. Individual counseling can help reduce shame, increase coping skills, integrate sexuality with integrity and true intimacy, and identify the root causes for the behavior. Couples counseling can also be extremely useful in healing damaged relationships. Support groups, often modeled on the approach pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous, are a confidential and no-cost resource for guidance, support and accountability. There are over 50 of these meetings in the Atlanta area, according to Herring . A few people find that their behavior is best addressed in specialized treatment centers, such as the one Woods recently entered into.

The recent stories about Woods, as well as other well-known figures such as actor David Duchovny, who admitted checking into a treatment facility for sex addiction last year, are helping to increase public awareness and acceptance of this disorder. “Until recently, sex addction was never discussed except in crude jokes, much less admitted. People are slowly coming to understand what an epidemic this really is.”

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12 Step Groups: Twelve Objections and Twelve Responses

I'm very happy to have authored an article entitled "12 Step Groups: Twelve Objections and Twelve Responses". Rather than including it in its entirety here, I posted it on my website due to its length which I considered too long for a blog post.

The twelve frequently used objections include:

1. 12-step groups use words like “powerless” and the need to “surrender”. These concepts seem like excuses that deny the value of personal responsibility and the need for greater will-power.

2. The 12-step approach often talks about "God" or a "Higher Power", which turns me off. I'm not into religion.

3. I hear that some people attend these groups for years. Haven’t they just switched their dependency to the group?

4. I don't have a "big" problem -- certainly not an addiction -- so I don’t need to attend 12-step groups.

5. I can't tolerate all of the peculiar language, concepts, structure, ritual, etc. in those meetings.

6. I went to a couple of meetings and everybody just complained about their lives or talked badly about themselves.

7. There are people at those meetings who have done some pretty awful things. How are such losers supposed to help me?

8. Some people who attend these meetings never get better. I’ve heard the 12-step success rate is pretty low.

9. I just want to stop or control my behavior. I don't need the 12-step focus on improving my character.

10. The nearest 12-step meeting is too far or inconvenient for me to attend.

11. Someone at a meeting might recognize me and I don’t want anyone to know I have a problem.

12. I'm just not a group person.

I hope you will visit my website to read the full article, and that you pass it along to anyone you know who may benefit from what it has to offer but is reluctant to attend a 12-step meeting for any of these reasons.

Wisdom Quote: Perspective

We should have some big perspective handy at all times.
--Wes "Scoop" Nisker

The above quote is a reminder that it is necessary to keep your "eyes on the prize" in the midst of all the actions, steps, tasks and challenges that are required for accomplishing any important endeavor. Whether it's running long miles to prepare for a marathon, 'working the steps' to achieve sobriety or sticking it out through relationship conflicts to heal a marriage, it is vitally important to remember the goal that makes the effort worthwhile.

I've "previously written that any difficult "what" is greatly aided by the presence of a powerful "why". An abiding sense of meaning helps make hard work infinitely more bearable. In contrast, pain that seems to lack purpose can only be sustained under duress. As the old saying goes, "when you're up to your eyeballs in alligators it's hard to remember you came to drain the swamp."

I like the concept that discipline is fundamentally the process of remembering. Forget your higher purpose and you will easily become lost. Remembering the deeper reason for your efforts will ease many long nights and tiresome days. This simple but powerful point is captured by this famous story:

A man came upon three stonemasons engaged in exactly the same task and asked what they were doing. "Laying bricks" replied the first with an angry frown. "Making a wall" mumbled the second. But the third smiled, raised his eyes to the sky and happily exclaimed "I'm building a cathedral."

Forging Iron In A Time Of Crisis

When a person experiences a life crisis everything can seem to come crashing down. What once was stable is rocked to the core and the old way of living no longer seems to work.

I'm not speaking so much about pure tragedies (like the death of a loved one) as about the behavior of either you or a person close to you that rips apart the comfort and stability you've come to depend upon. To be devastated by the betrayal of either a partner or the painful reflection staring back at you in the mirror can cause the assumptions you've carefully built up over the years to shatter into a million pieces, perhaps never to be made whole again.

This extremely painful time is like a fire that consumes everything held dear, down to a person's core. But what happens then?

One of the realities of life is that the familiar surface of a person's identity is often built on a fundamentally incomplete foundation. It's common for a crucial character flaw, usually resulting from some aspect of incomplete emotional development, to exist just below the surface of an entire way of life. Perhaps an addiction has never been faced, a codependent relationship style has corrupted healthy autonomy, or the effective regulation of intense emotions was never fully developed. These character defects are like bent iron beams buckling under a weight they could easily support if only they had been forged correctly.

An intense life crisis is like a fire that burns away everything on the surface of a person's life to reveal some undeveloped aspect of that person's core self. This extreme heat, painful as it is to face, is necessary to melt and reforge iron. This is when a person's core can be hammered into a new and stronger shape. An objective and trustworthy source of support and guidance is the 'anvil' this process requires. This is why professional counseling can be so beneficial to the process of growing through difficulty rather than just surviving it.

The furnace of intense personal crisis can forge the ability to support a healthier, stronger and more stable life. The hammering will eventually stop, the iron will cool, and a new and better life will be revealed.

Meaningful Meantime

The phrase "meantime" is simply defined as the interval between one occurrence and another. As simple as this is, I think this one word has vital significance to the goal of experiencing a deeply satisfying life. Whether the interval between any two events is very large ("between birth and death") or very small ("between breakfast and lunch"), you are at this moment living somewhere within the span bridged by those two points in time.

The bottom line is that most of our days on earth are spent living "in the meantime." Any goal you hold dear is by definition a destination you haven't yet reached. "In the meantime" (where you are right now) is a lot of space to fill. If you remember (as I have previously written) that "there are no ordinary moments", this interval will be teeming with insights and wonder.

Now that's a meaningful meantime!

Problems And Solutions

We all have lots of problems.....or so we think. I recently heard a simple but powerful statement that merits a lot of reflection:

You don't have many real problems; what you mainly have are solutions you don't like.

The most basic definition of a problem is a struggle or conflict with no readily achievable solution. But more often than we care to admit, it isn't that the answer is outside of our grasp; it's that we just don't want to face it.

It's human nature to seek out solutions to our problems that are congruent with our desires. Whatever issue we are facing, we generally want to resolve it in such a way that we get what we want and not what we fear. Unfortunately, rather than rigorously questioning the underlying basis of our primal wants and fears, it's seductive to act like the real "problem" is wholly outside of ourselves.

The answer to any particular struggle may be unique, but it's generally an inner destination. Many solutions are simple but far from easy: Face the fear. Let go of the outcome. Stop trying to control the situation. Forgive. Look inward. Go into the unknown. Accept the situation for what it is. Relinquish the idea that what you think should happen should happen. Widen your perspective and you may find the solution reveals more about you than you ever imagined. There are many sources to help you on your journey, including counseling, but it helps to remember that a locked door isn't as much of a problem if you know that you hold the key.