Ten Steps to Better Emotional Health

Thank you for wanting to read "Ten Steps to Better Emotional Health", a list of simple tips to bring greater balance into your life.  This short article has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit now.  Thanks,
Bill

Make Your Bed

Thank you for wanting to read "Make Your Bed", a short observation about the value of being orderly without being overly regimented.  It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit.  Thanks!

No Courage Without Fear

"No Courage Without Fear", a short essay on true meaning of courage, has been moved one quick click away to my professional website.  Please pay a visit to read this and many other topics related to personal growth and emotional development.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.  He is available for confidential in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Meaningful Meantime

Thank you for wanting to read my post "Meaningful Meantime", a short reflection on the value of living in the moment.  This brief entry has been moved just one quick click away to the website of my Atlanta psychotherapy and counseling practice, which I hope you will visit to find this and many other articles related to personal growth and development.

Progress Works Backwards

This article, which addresses how progress toward a happier, more meaningful and satisfying life can take forms that we don't always immediately recognize, has moved just one quick click away to this location on my primary website, which I hope you will visit.
-Bill

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life. While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring offers private, discreet and confidential counseling and consultation to high-profile individuals for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity. He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

What If?

Thanks for wanting to read "What If...?", my little essay about managing a question that always contributes to anxiety.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit to read it and many other essays and observations about personal growth and development.  Thanks!
Bill

reasons

Thank you for wanting to read "The Best Time To Plant An Oak Tree", a reflection on the value of taking action now rather than living in regret of actions not taken in the past.  This article has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, where you will find many other informative and enjoyable topics related to personal growth and development.

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  Mr. Herring offers discreet and confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Breaking Down Vs. Breaking Open

Life can sure be hard....no doubt about it. There's not one of us who doesn't suffer, often from our own making. We do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. We try to change others rather than grow ourselves. We socially isolate, emotionally dissociate, excessively medicate, compulsively masturbate, continually procrastinate, alienate, hate....and then it's too late.

The crash hurts. It can be a hard fall that comes suddenly or after a long gradual descent. You may be the last to know or the only one who knows. Either way, hitting bottom doesn't leave many choices: shut down into the death of your spirit or open up to the possibility of a new life with new operating instructions. Sometimes a breakdown is the start of a breakthough. It's rarely a sudden transformation (although it mimics that at times), but the breaking open allows the old infection to drain out and heal in the sun and light. And then a new strength emerges.

The 13th century poet Rumi wrote:

There is a secret medicine
given only to those who hurt so hard
they can’t cope.

This type of defeat is the preparation for a new life. You are at this moment poised between your history and your destiny. Seek to remain open and your growth will exceed the limits of your imagination.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

The Antidote For Regret

I can't imagine anyone living a life without regrets. We all have done what we wished we hadn't, and not done what we wish we had. In some sense, regret is a valuable teacher, for we can use it to learn valuable lessons about the consequences of our actions. But excessive regret causes us to be weighed down by the past, just as excessive anxiety causes us to be weighed down by the future. I've found one simple suggestion that allows the lessons of the past to illuminate the present while preventing excessive regret from becoming toxic: be grateful.

It seems to be a law of human nature that the practice of gratitude helps to keep regret for the past from souring your emotions. Without gratitude it's seductively easy to slip into feelings of entitlement, self-pity, depression and other debilitating emotions.

Sometimes gratitude comes naturally, while other times it takes the force of will to bring it to the forefront. Do you enjoy relatively good health? Are you loved by others? Are you fed and safe? Just click over to a news website like CNN.com and you will surely see story after story of people living in danger, privation, pain and despair. Use the reality of the world to kick-start your sense of gratitude for your blessings. Regret generally gets automatically dialed back a few notches when you take this simple step.

Regretful? Be grateful!
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Don't Believe Everything You Think

"Don't Believe Everything You Think!"

I spied this bumper sticker on a car recently and fell in love with the sentiment since I often advise my clients to evaluate the quality of their own thoughts for inevitable distortions, dogmas and flat-out delusions. Similarly, sometimes I look in the mirror and laughingly say "get out of my head, you crazy person!"

The job of the mind is to generate thoughts and it goes about its business with a passion, often with little regard for quality control. We live in a culture that doesn't place much value on teaching the skills for constructively quieting the mind, so it's no wonder the little chatterbox carries on the way it does.

Now here's where the whole "unexamined thinking" situation goes from inefficient to risky. A person on a desert island or in solitary confinement is bound to go a little off-center. (Think of Tom Hanks in "Castaway" talking to a volleyball.) When you and I don't check out our assumptions and biases with other people (especially those who may lovingly challenge us) we are likely to get caught up in closed-circuit thinking loops that are self-reinforcing but often stray from objective reality.

I remember a TV comedy once where a character was wearing a wristwatch that was something like 7 hours and 47 minutes fast. He became so accustomed to it that he knew that "4 o'clock" actually meant 8:13. That's a humorous example of learning to account for a stable distortion, which we all have. I may instinctively come to a negative conclusion from some benign situation but once I accept that this is just what I do then I begin to gain the ability to move my thoughts toward a positive and accurate direction. This idea is similar to what I have previously written about the benefit of "Choosing The Most Benign Interpretation."

The ego serves an important role in maintaining a sense of identity but one of its lazy habits is to presume that it's always right. It's an act of emotional maturity to transcend the need to be so gosh-darned right all the time and let go of "False Evidence Appearing Real" (whose acronym is "FEAR"). This concept is akin to what I previously have written about how "Soothing and Confronting Yourself" is necessary in order to maintain a healthy, adaptive, ever-evolving relationship with yourself and others, which is a skill the whole world needs.

So recognize your own blind spots, accept feedback from others, come to accept and compensate for your typical distortions, be willing to recognize and discard your own conclusions when they are of too low a quality to do anybody any good, learn some techniques for quieting your mind a little, don't take yourself too seriously too much of the time, and remember that bumper sticker!
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

It's An Adventure!

I sometimes suggest three little words to people who are overly nervous, pessimistic or serious when facing some challenge of life. It's a small prescription that can be hugely effective in shifting both attitude and perspective in a positive direction, and all it takes is saying these words: "it's an adventure!"

True adventures don't require thousands of dollars and a long trip to a strange locale. All the elements that make up a true adventure are inherent in this very moment. If adventures typically involve going into an unknown destination then all you have to do is stretch yourself today to do something out of the ordinary. Zig when you normally zag.

Sometimes an adventure can come from doing something extremely familiar in a new way that stretches your boundaries and capabilities. Face a fear. Speak to a person you normally ignore. Say yes instead of no in a way that opens your heart.

Adventurers know the value of packing lightly, so don't cart along too many preconceived notions about what today is going to be like. Seasoned adventurers also make sure others know where they are going in case misfortune occurs, so tell trusted companions in your journey through life where you are and where you might be heading. Expert adventurers also prepare for the challenges to come so take steps to get in shape physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Most adventures involve the risk of the unplanned mishap, which may lead to a few mistakes or the need to double back and try again to find the way along a new route. Why should your life be any different this very day?

An adventure is a willingness to explore something new, to purposefully enter into the unknown. It's an opportunity to be courageous while having fun, gathering wisdom and countless stories to tell along the way.

Adventure awaits everywhere!
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

The Attitude of Gratitude

Name 10 things you're grateful for!

If asked this question, most people can identify reasons to feel grateful as long as they are given enough time to do so. However, most of us don't need either very much opportunity or prodding to come up with lots of sources of anxiety or resentment. Isn't it funny that the emotions that sap vitality are often more readily available than the life-affirming ones?

In my experience gratitude can be a learned habit that grows stronger just like any muscle that's used regularly. One technique that many people have long found useful for positive mood change is to write a "gratitude list." Simply listing as many things you can be grateful about is a powerful way to train your awareness to the gifts that are all around you if only you will notice them.

Aren't you grateful you read this?
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Make A Pearl

Thank you for waanting to read "Make a Pearl", a simple metaphor for using pain to create something beautiful.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

Wisdom Quote: Be Resourceful In Inspiring Yourself

Become as resourceful in inspiring yourself to enter your own peace as you are at being neurotic and competitive in the world.
– Sogyal Rinpoche

This quote from a world-renowned Tibetan Buddhist teacher has special resonance for me since, like many people, I'm very skilled at generating countless neurotic, self-defeating, resentful and otherwise unproductive thoughts. I don't have to work hard to produce them -- they come naturally. Although I'm not proud of this fact I'm no longer particularly ashamed of it either. It simply is what it is. Sometimes when I catch myself engaged in such "stinking thinking" I'll laugh and say out loud "get out of my head, you crazy person!"

One reason I like to admit this fairly straightforward assertion is to allow people to narrow the distance between themselves what they imagine therapists (or any healers) to be. Human frailties effect everybody, and the willingness to continually work on self-improvement is a task that should never end and always pays off benefits.

I find I am very resourceful in finding ways to show disrespect for myself or harbor a fleeting or lingering resentment to another human for the flimsiest of reasons. I heard once that you can judge a person by what makes them angry, and by this measure many of us show ourselves capable of great pettiness.

So I've had to learn to be as resourceful in "inspiring myself to peace" as I am at being neurotic. Mohandes K. Gandhi said "My most formidable opponent is a man named Mohandas K. Gandhi. With him I seem to have very little influence." Knowing this helps me feel like I am in good company as I develop my resources against my most tenacious of adversaries: my own ego.

This quote is therefore very welcome and instructive. It can take a lot of devoted practice for serenity to emerge more naturally and remain for increasingly longer periods of time. The way to become more gentle and compassionate toward self and others is the same way to get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice!

An Invitation to Abundance

Live For A Higher Purpose

Remember that it is your true nature to be wise and discerning.

Nurture Yourself And Others

Remember that it is your true nature to be good to yourself and to have goodwill and compassion for others.

Develop Yourself And Set An Example For Others

Remember that it is your true nature to take pleasure in your existence and to esteem and value others.

Let Go Of The Past And Be Renewed By Your Experience

Remember that it is your true nature to be forgiving and to use everything in life for your growth and renewal.

Observe Yourself And Others Without Judgment Or Expectations

Remember that it is your true nature to be engaged with reality, contemplating the infinite riches of the world.

Have Faith In Yourself And Trust In The Goodness Of Life

Remember that it is your true nature to be courageous and capable of dealing with life under all conditions.

Joyously Celebrate Existence And Share Your Happiness

Remember that it is your true nature to be happy and to add to the richness of experience for everyone.

Stand Up For Yourself And Speak Out For What You Believe

Remember that it is your true nature to be strong and capable of affecting the world in many different positive ways.

Bring Peace And Healing Into Your World

Remember that it is your true nature to be an inexhaustible font of serenity, acceptance, and kindness in the world.

(The above is reprinted from The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to the Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso and Hudson Russ Bantam, 1999.)

Ten Steps To Better Emotional Health

Thank you for wanting to read Ten Steps to Better Emotional Health, which has moved just one click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit.

There Are No Ordinary Moments

My family and I recently watched "Peaceful Warrior", the 2005 movie starring Nick Nolte that sank like a stone at the theaters but which has since developed quite a little cult following due to its message. It is based on the "Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives" by Dan Millman. The movie tells Millman's life story of being an Olympic-caliber college gymnast who suffers a terrible injury that threatens to end his career but who also meets a mysterious man he calls "Socrates" who teaches him how to train for the greatest challenge of all: life itself. The movie mixes a fairly typical sports drama with some very profound teaching moments that can seem simple in their message but can be very powerful in their impact.

The phrase that has stayed with me the longest and made the most immediate impact is simply that "there are no ordinary moments." By this Millman means that each moment of life is literally saturated with potential, and the only barrier to realizing this truth is our own awareness. Our resentments, fears and lusts prevent us from completely being in the moment and by staying up in our heads in this way we lose much of what life has to offer. The movie uses dramatic visual effects to demonstrate how very much is occurring in any moment of time and how little awareness most people bring to bear in their daily lives.

Since I began reflecting on this phrase I have been finding myself more conscious of the little dramas and joys of life in the most mundane moments. While shopping at the Farmer's Market a few days after watching this film I realized that all around me the most extraordinary little events were unfolding: a woman racing by to get a food item she forget, a man kissing his baby's feet, two friends laughing together, the smell of bread -- although these were all "little" things at that moment they were like gold coins sprinkled all around me that I had been previously ignoring. Earlier today I was making up my bed and the phrase "there are no ordinary moments" again popped into my head. From that point forward the smoothing of the sheets became an act of loving service which immediately made a mundane task very enjoyable.

This simple phrase has resonated very deeply with me in counseling sessions where I typically endeavor to be "on" every moment I spend with my clients. I strive to be alert to the slightest nuance of speech or gesture and always extremely attentive to my own emotions and thoughts as guides to the potential paths of growth and healing inherent in each moment of our time together. I have long realized that if there doesn't seem to be much happening in a session then that is a reflection of my own lack of awareness because there is always something going on. After 20 years in the field I am consistently amazed and humbled by the realization that something truly unexpected and wonderful can emerge from any encounter or conversation.

When I stay aware that every moment of life is meaningful then I am less likely to sink into self-defeating emotions like self-pity and resentment. Years ago I read many of the Carlos Casteneda books and I remember how the main character "Don Juan" taught the importance of treating every moment like death is just around the corner. That makes it less likely to leave this earth with a petty thought as your last act. It's another way of acknowledging how we have the ability (and even the imperative) to make each moment special through our own intention and awareness.

So I can personally attest to the benefit of repeating on a regular basis the statement "there are no ordinary moments" and taking the time to notice how this impacts your perception of your immediate life and the appreciation you are able to develop for the vast significance inherent in even the smallest actions. It's an effective cure for boredom, self-pity, resentment and the most destructive of emotions, meaninglessness and apathy.

So ask yourself: what is happening right now? What do you hear, what bodily sensations are you able to notice, what simple beauty and wonder is near you. How alive are you willing and able to be right now? You honor and uphold life when you do these things, and when treated in such a noble way life is eager to return the favor.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

You Get More Of What You Notice

Thank you for wanting to read "You Get More Of What You Notice", a brief essay on the value of payng attention to positive aspects of a situation.  This has been moved one quick click away to my promary website,w hich I hope you will visit.

"Three Tools To Guide Your Course"

The posting I just published (see next entry) about the many people I consider to be pioneers traveling uncharted emotional and relational terrain reminded me of a poem I wrote several years back which I've decided to post here.

Three Tools To Guide Your Course

The way ahead stretches further than you can see, so you
need to be clear about a few facts from the very start, OK?
The path is steep and treacherous, the obstacles astounding,
and few have the time, ability or desire to help you succeed.
Since you're probably well past the point for false assurances
here are three tools to guide your course along this journey:

The first is to follow the advice of those who are ahead of you.
They have lots of helpful little tips to ease you along your way.
The second tool is to assist another person walking behind you.
Helping someone move forward protects you from losing ground.
Third, keep in close contact with others on similar journeys.
Share your experiences regularly, both your triumphs and defeats.

Use these tools regularly, even if your heart’s not always in it.
What can you can expect to receive in return for such an effort?
Remember we’re talking like real adults so little is guaranteed, but
you’ll likely find your wounds will become sources of deep wisdom,
your personal power, intuition and emotional balance pass anything
you’ve ever known, and you’ll become the person you’ve been seeking.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

It's Not Over

Thank you for wanting to read "It's Not Over", a short essay about the tendency to decide, often incorrectly, if an event is good or bad without knowing.  This post (which has a new title of "Maybe Yes, Maybe No") has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.