Wisdom Quote: Perspective

We should have some big perspective handy at all times.
--Wes "Scoop" Nisker

The above quote is a reminder that it is necessary to keep your "eyes on the prize" in the midst of all the actions, steps, tasks and challenges that are required for accomplishing any important endeavor. Whether it's running long miles to prepare for a marathon, 'working the steps' to achieve sobriety or sticking it out through relationship conflicts to heal a marriage, it is vitally important to remember the goal that makes the effort worthwhile.

I've "previously written that any difficult "what" is greatly aided by the presence of a powerful "why". An abiding sense of meaning helps make hard work infinitely more bearable. In contrast, pain that seems to lack purpose can only be sustained under duress. As the old saying goes, "when you're up to your eyeballs in alligators it's hard to remember you came to drain the swamp."

I like the concept that discipline is fundamentally the process of remembering. Forget your higher purpose and you will easily become lost. Remembering the deeper reason for your efforts will ease many long nights and tiresome days. This simple but powerful point is captured by this famous story:

A man came upon three stonemasons engaged in exactly the same task and asked what they were doing. "Laying bricks" replied the first with an angry frown. "Making a wall" mumbled the second. But the third smiled, raised his eyes to the sky and happily exclaimed "I'm building a cathedral."

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Wisdom Quote: Be Resourceful In Inspiring Yourself

Become as resourceful in inspiring yourself to enter your own peace as you are at being neurotic and competitive in the world.
– Sogyal Rinpoche

This quote from a world-renowned Tibetan Buddhist teacher has special resonance for me since, like many people, I'm very skilled at generating countless neurotic, self-defeating, resentful and otherwise unproductive thoughts. I don't have to work hard to produce them -- they come naturally. Although I'm not proud of this fact I'm no longer particularly ashamed of it either. It simply is what it is. Sometimes when I catch myself engaged in such "stinking thinking" I'll laugh and say out loud "get out of my head, you crazy person!"

One reason I like to admit this fairly straightforward assertion is to allow people to narrow the distance between themselves what they imagine therapists (or any healers) to be. Human frailties effect everybody, and the willingness to continually work on self-improvement is a task that should never end and always pays off benefits.

I find I am very resourceful in finding ways to show disrespect for myself or harbor a fleeting or lingering resentment to another human for the flimsiest of reasons. I heard once that you can judge a person by what makes them angry, and by this measure many of us show ourselves capable of great pettiness.

So I've had to learn to be as resourceful in "inspiring myself to peace" as I am at being neurotic. Mohandes K. Gandhi said "My most formidable opponent is a man named Mohandas K. Gandhi. With him I seem to have very little influence." Knowing this helps me feel like I am in good company as I develop my resources against my most tenacious of adversaries: my own ego.

This quote is therefore very welcome and instructive. It can take a lot of devoted practice for serenity to emerge more naturally and remain for increasingly longer periods of time. The way to become more gentle and compassionate toward self and others is the same way to get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice!

Wisdom Quote: The Past Isn't Past

Thank you for wanting to read "The Past Isn't Past", a reflection about the value of using our past experiences to teach us how to live in teh present.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will take the time to visit.  Thank you.

Hurt People Hurt People

The saying "hurt people hurt people" is a gentle reminder that people who are at peace with themselves and the world generally do not engage in hostility and violence. If someone says or does something rude, harmful or even injurious to me, I can bet that person has some emotional thorn in his or her spirit. This doesn't excuse mean or harmful behavior but it reminds me that its source is a person who is hurting at a deep level.

Again, this insight doesn't mean that I am able to easily excuse someone who is acting like a jerk. But it's so easy to simply objectify a person like this rather than remembering that everybody hurts and some people deal with this pain worse than others. If I can remember that this kind of acting-out is a form of sickness (which I have exhibited all too often in my own life) then I am more likely to seek some sort of connection with the deeper level of that person and to treat him or her more as a real human being than I may otherwise want to do.

There's a saying sometimes heard in 12-step meetings that goes: "I'm not a bad person trying to be a good person, I'm a sick person trying to get well." This pretty well sums up the difference between objectifying and understanding a person who is engaging in emotionally hurtful behavior. Either this is essentially my enemy (or at least a hindrance) to be defended against, or its a fellow human with some degree of emotional or spiritual sickness (or at least unease) in need of some way to heal.

When I realize this I can provide a little medicine in the form of some understanding, empathy or support, and I can protect my own ego from harm by trying not to take the situation overly personally. It's silly to invest a sick or hurt person with too much power over me, but that's exactly what I do I put serenity at their mercy. Finally, it helps me to recognize all the times I've let my own hurts affect the way I've treated others. The same shoe fits a lot of feet!

What can you do today to provide a little touch of healing in a sick world?

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Wisdom Quote: Be Both Humble and Noble

Be humble for you are made of dung. Be noble for you are made of stars.
--Serbian proverb

I love this quote because it offers a reminder that nobility and humility can co-exist. Being composed of matter, we are all fundamentally created from the dust of stars. That's a very noble thought. On a more organic level we are all also simply organic beings made from molecules that eventually become waste matter to feed the earth. This is a good reminder that the original definition of "humble" is to be low to the ground. None of us are "all that", as the saying goes. As the Beatles sang, "life goes on within you and without you."

The Serbian quote above reminds me of another quote by the Tibetan Buddhist Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, who wrote:

You are living in a rich world, one that never runs out of messages. If you are being too arrogant, you will find yourself being pushed down by heaven, and if you are being too timid, you will find yourself being raised up by earth.

Here again is the idea of bearing yourself with nobility without arrogance, humility without groveling. So walk upright, with mild demeanor, friendly and helpful to those around you, able to look anyone in the eye and speaking even harsh truths gently.

In my work I've seen a lot of clients who were unbalanced toward either arrogance or humiliation. I've wavered across that line myself. It doesn't serve a person well to be excessive in either direction. Humiliation is a form of ego worship in disguise and a misguided idea that something is fundamentally wrong with you. As for the seduction of arrogance, it's wise to remember the lines from the famous Shelley poem "Ozymandias":

And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

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Wisdom Quote: Recognition

Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you.
–Henri Nouwen

It occasionally happens that one of my clients will look around my office and say something like "oh, that's a new lamp' when looking at one they've seen many times before. When this happens the client is generally surprised and sometimes even a little embarrassed to learn that what they are just noticing has been in the room from the first meeting. However, I am always delighted when this happens because it means that something very important within that person is waking up and becoming more alive and aware.

This brings me to the above quote by Henri Nouwen, the Dutch priest and author who wrote a number of remarkable books and essays even while struggling with recurrent bouts of serious depression. For me, this quote is a reminder that the growing ability to recognize the parts of our inner selves that we previously ignored is often matched by a greater clarity of perception regarding the world around us.

It can be very difficult to "wake up" to our true nature and face ourselves as we really are rather than as we want or fear. 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous advocate the process of undergoing a "searching and fearless moral inventory" and then sharing the results of that deep introspection with another person. Part of the value of therapy is that it helps to accomplish the same goal of honest self-appraisal.

Although most people tend to seek therapy to stop hurting in some way, the benefits are often so much more than that, which is where this quote comes in. I'm certainly all in favor of having a troubling situation, habit or behavior lessen in it's intensity, frequency or duration, but the wonderful reality is that a full and rich life exists on the other side of that mere symptom reduction. Here's where things start to really turn interesting! As we struggle to metaphorically "turn on the lights" inside of ourselves, that light carries out into the world and we tend see situations more clearly than before. It becomes easier to look deeper into someone's heart, to recognize beauty and irony, to intuitively respond in just the right way to a situation.

There was a television game show from my childhood called "Concentration" where correct answers revealed increasing amounts of a hidden picture or riddle. Invariably at some point the contestant would "get it" and figure out the puzzle. I think this is true for a person's inner growth: barriers begin to fall revealing a deeper riddle that initially wasn't at all evident until there comes an "a-ha" moment when things begin to fall into place.

Sometimes I have clients who are pleasantly surprised to find that they aren't struggling in areas of their life where they didn't anticipate experiencing any improvement. Someone recently began figuring out their finances in an easier way than they were accustomed to doing. Someone else found that they were more comfortable inviting friends over to their house. The list goes on and on. I try to remind people in these circumstances that this is an appropriate and even inevitable development resulting from hard work in the right places. Inner improvement results in outer gain.

There is an old saying apparently attributable to Lao Tzu, the so-called "father of Taoism" that has as one translation:

"When the wise man learns the Way,
He tries to live by it.
When the average man learns the Way
He lives by only part of it.
When the fool learns the Way
He laughs at it.
Yet if the fool did not laugh,
It would not be the Way.
Indeed, if you are seeking the Way,
Listen for the laughter of fools."

This is a variant of Nouwen's quote that reflects the congruity between inner and outer experience. Or as the down-to-earh saying goes:

Them that know
Know that they know.
Them that don't know
Don't know they don't know.

So when you find yourself noticing things that you've previously taken for granted or never recognized in the first place, take that as a signpost of personal growth and be heartened by that realization to continue moving forward.

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Wisdom Quote: Reach Exceeding Grasp

“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”
-Robert Browning

What I love about this quote is how it sets forth a permissive, even noble, view of trying something new or outlandish and then failing. All too often we beat ourselves up emotionally when we set a lofty goal and don't achieve the success we hope. Eventually this results in the depressing decision to try nothing new lest another failure await. But Browning's quote reminds us that to strive for what we may not appear worthy or capable of achieving can be one of the highest attributes of a person. The trick is to not be arrogant in the quest for the summit. In the Greek myth Icarus fell from the sky for flying too close to the sun, but its good exercise to strive for what we've previously been unable to accomplish with a combination of humility, perseverance and the soft landing that comes from having a healthy ego that doesn't take either itself or any outcome too seriously. So go on, reach!

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Wisdom Quote: Conscious Spiritual Practice

At worst, we face a day of conscious spiritual practice.
-- Geri Larkin

It's evident from the list of wisdom quotes on my website that I value any advice that helps people get through and make sense of hard times and grow into more complete human beings. As a homegrown example, 12-step groups are rich sources of practical guidance for developing emotional resilience, such as:

"Take one day at a time"
"Do the next right thing"
"Keep an attitude of gratitude"
"Pray for the son of a b****"
"Easy does it"

When things are going well, most of us don't feel a need for such advice. But while some days are easy to get through, others are much more challenging. At such times we can either bounce from one hardship and disappointment to another or find opportunities to consciously act in ways that are helpful to our personal (i.e. spiritual) growth.

That's what makes Larkin's quote so encouraging. What seems like a "bad" day is a great deal worse in the absence of some meaningful guidelines for living, and the worst day is more manageable when we purposefully put into action the principles that can guide us to grow inwardly no matter what difficulties we find ourselves facing.

So take the time to identify some core principles that can guide you in hard times, and actively practice using them until they become second nature. It'll forever change the way you feel about "bad days".

(Image: Ray Johnson, "Calm Center", 1951)

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Wisdom Quote: Live Forward and Understand Backward

Life must be understood backwards; but... it must be lived forward.
--Soren Kierkegaard

It's human nature to want to understand what's happening in our life. We can usually tell ourselves or anyone who cares to listen a story about "what's going on" at any particular time. How we understand a situation tends to shape our perceptions, which in turn influences our actions and emotions. We're perpetually making meaning out of the world and our place in it. That's what brains do.

But this quote reminds us that we often don’t see the big picture until we've gained some perspective that can only develop with time and experience. Think back over your life and you'll probably be able to come up with a number of important turning points and learning opportunities that you can now appreciate to be richer than you could have possibly imagined when you were living through them.

I often have clients who desperately want to understand why some event is happening in their lives. I'm not opposed to the quest for understanding: I think it's a fine thing to have. But sometimes it's just going to be like the dog chasing its tail. There are plenty of alternatives to understanding, and the most important is often simple acceptance. I've seen plenty of situations in which the quest for understanding served as a way to avoid acceptance of a painful reality.

You don't have to know what's going on to do something about it. Faith is a great tool for operating in the absence of understanding. Sometimes I don't know why something is happening but as the Red Hot Chili Peppers sang, "overcome and more will always be revealed". The absence of understanding also forces me out of my own head and toward others I seek out for comfort and counsel. This is a healthy step I'm not nearly as likely to do when I think I've got everything all figured out.

Inescapable life fact: there will always be more that you don't know than what you do. "Not knowing" will therefore always be a larger set than "knowing". If you can comfortably live in the "not knowing" then you will gain access to more of life than can possibly be contained in what you (think you) know.

There will be all the time you need to understand the depth and richness of your life, but first you have to live it. The moment is always past: understanding rides on the caboose of experience rather than the engine (despite the ego's claims) which means you can see your journey's vast landscape only after you pass through it. So remember Kierkegaard's quote when you catch yourself trying to fully understand the meanings, motives, relationships, influences and other 'whatnot' of your life. Otherwise you'll be at risk for making stuff up in order to convince yourself you understand everything, and in the process you'll miss countless opportunities to learn many inspirational and reassuring messages about yourself.
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Wisdom Quote: Sit And Be Taught

The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your life and be taught. --Polly Berrien

Are you willing to continually learn and grow? If so, you will find important and imminently useful lessons all around you, even in the most mundane things. Virtues such as gratitude, patience, compassion and wisdom develop when we are willing to learn about ourselves at any moment and from any source.

It's neither possible nor necessary to always be learning some big life lesson. A more realistic goal is to just get better at noticing what you can about yourself as you go about your day. Sometimes it's all you can do to go with the flow (a lesson in and of itself) while at other times you can wake up to the many precious teachings surrounding us like fruit on the vine.

Here are some related quotes about learning that I find helpful:

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. -- Rumi

It's hard to be teachable when you think you know it all. Although you've been around the block a few times there's a whole lot more to learn if you are open to the possibility. Remember this Serbian proverb:

Be humble for you are made of dung. Be noble for you are made of stars.

This mixture of nobility and humility is also expressed in this lovely quote by Chogyam Trungpa:

You are living in a rich world, one that never runs out of messages. If you are being too arrogant, you will find yourself being pushed down by heaven, and if you are being too timid, you will find yourself being raised up by earth.

This suggests that life itself is capable, even willing, to guide you on your path of learning and growth. Your only requirement is to be alert and receptive. When we are open to learning from this moment, all the messages and lessons we can use will be available to us. We will both evoke and invoke much richer meaning in our lives. As Pema Chodron teaches:

This very moment is the perfect teacher and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.....The source of wisdom is whatever is happening to us right at this very moment.....Our teacher is not separate from our experience.

I feel like I could go on and on, but that's enough for today. Know when to start, know when to stop....that's a lesson I recognize for myself in this moment!
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Wisdom Quote: Into The Unknown

Man can learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown.
--Claude Bernard

The known, no matter how vast, is finite. There is a limit to what any of us can know. The unknown, on the other hand, is potentially infinite. None of us can ever "know it all", regardless of how wise or experienced we are. Therefore the "known" will always be a smaller category than the the "unknown." The source of all learning derives from the unknown.

Why are we so committed to sticking to what we know? One answer lies in the old parable of the man looking for a lost jewel under a lamp post and after searching with his friends all night he says "maybe it's time to look in the dark field where I lost it." When asked by his angry friends why they hadn't been looking there all along he replied, "because the light is better over here." We often don't want to leave the comfort of what we already know to search for the real jewel.

As a therapist I have spent years learning how to travel into the unknown with my clients to come back with a pearl that is useful in their journey toward greater satisfaction and meaning in life. I used to fear the times when I didn't know what was going to happen next in session or when I didn't know exactly what to do. Now, when those moments occur, I take a conscious breath, calm myself and venture with my clients into new emotional depths that often neither of us finds familiar. I have learned that as long as I stay connected with both my feelings and the relationship with my client, all is invariably well and we are both wiser for the journey.

There's an old saying that "them that know know that they know, but them that don't know don't know they don't know." (You may have to read that two or three times to get it.) But there is a third category where lots of great prizes can be found, and it's reserved for "them that know they don't know". It's OK not to know some things, because knowledge isn't always going to scratch the itch that's driving you crazy. There's a phrase in the recovery community that "understanding is optional; acceptance is mandatory."

A great deal of the world is not about to let itself be easily known. It is, and should remain, mysterious. Einstein said "the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." Likewise, Francis de Chauterbriand wrote that "there is nothing beautiful or sweet or great in life that is not mysterious." If this is confounding then you are on a good path. Heed the sage advice of the 6th century poet Rumi to "sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." It's a transaction that will ultimately make you richer.

In all of these deep matters, temper your meditations and discoveries with the counsel and comfort of trusted guides who can help you make the most of your travels and travails. Remember "you alone can go through it, but you don't have to go through it alone."

Wisdom Quote: Stories, Not Atoms

Thank you for wanting to read "The Universe is Made of Stories", a philosophical essay about this famous quote.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website,which I hope you will visit.

Wisdom Quote: No Straight Line

Thank you for wanting to read "It's Never a Straight Line", a brief observtion on the inevitability of setbacks during efforts of personal growth.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.  Thanks!

Wisdom Quote: Breakdown

(This is another in an emerging series of commentaries about quotes I've found useful in my therapy practice as well as in my own life.)

"Sometimes a breakdown may actually be a breakthrough".
--Anonymous

This quote recognizes that there comes a time when something must fall apart before something healthier can arise in its place. Too often, when people don't fall apart they just keep on kind of wobbling forward, making more noise than progress in their life's journey. It's when the old way crumbles that a new and fundamentally healthier direction forward often presents itself. As the poet Rumi wisely held, "Many demolitions are actually renovations." It's often good to hold on, but at times it's better to just let go. Just remember during these important juncture points in your life to find someone you can trust to help guide you.

Wisdom Quote: Poet

(This is the first in a series of short commentaries on various quotes I've gathered over the years that have inspired and guided me with their wisdom and guidance during life's inevitably difficult or confusing times.)

"Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me."
--Sigmund Freud

This quote reminds me that the great and pressing issues of our personal struggles contain mythical and poetic dimensions that link us to all that is noble and resonant in life. That doesn't mean that nobility and resonance is evident in everything we do (far from it!) but that a path or connection exists that can lead us there.

I often think of how the twists, roadblocks and revelations of our lives weave together to form for each of us our unique hero's journey. I like to think that this must be true, for the alternative is for life to be merely soap opera or situation comedy, essentially meaningless and imminently forgettable.

I think it's fitting to end this post with one of my favorite poems:

I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly
that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul,
to the deep emotional self
and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time,
only time can help and patience,
and a certain difficult repentance
long difficult repentance, realization of life’s mistake,
and the freeing oneself
from the endless repetition of the mistake
which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.

--D. H. Lawrence

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling, essays and observations about psychotherapy and change, recovery from sex addiction and many other interesting and useful topics.