Or?

In 2009 I wrote a piece about how the simple word "and" has tremendous therapeutic potential.  I still begin some counseling sessions by just gently saying to my client: ".....and?"  It acknowledges that all stories are ongoing, that endings are often merely pauses, and that each moment is always ripe for development.  I also pointed out how "and" can serve as a marvelous replacement for the word "but".  Try it and see!

A little over a year later I wrote a follow-up reflection on how the phrase ".....and yet?" helps to draw out healthy alternative perspectives on any issue at hand.  It's a way of asking "what's on the opposite side of the coin?"  As I wrote then:

Sometimes I will simply alternate between asking "...and?" along with "...and yet?"  in a friendly fashion.  Rocking gently back and forth between these two simple questions can lead to a great deal of consideration of the relative merits of any position, decision or course of action.

It's now time for my yearly comment on another therapeutic conjunction, and this year's candidate is "or".  This is a true powerhouse of a word for therapeutic change, for its job is to bring choice into the forefront of consideration.  Without choice freedom doesn't exist and real consciousness is reduced to a merely mechanical process.  As an example, there's no "or" for an engine: it just does the job it's built to do.  Choices are the domain of the driver who determines which way to go.  If you're not consciously considering what your choices are in this moment you're not really driving your life.  And there's no choice without the concept of "or". 

This may seem like meaningless wordplay, but there are times when the absence of "or"  is serious business.  An addict experiencing a powerful compulsion has the "or" squeezed out of him, leaving nothing but more of the same familiar pain ahead.  Couples get locked into the same no-win conflicts because they lose the ability to make truly mindful choices when the heat is on.  Part of a successful therapeutic experience is building more "or" into any sequence of behaviors.

"Or" is the sound of freedom.  It's absence is inevitability.

I'm already wondering what conjunction will be up for examination a year from now.  My prediction is "yet".  Stay tuned.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a well seasoned Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples live fuller, happier and more meaningful lives.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on helping good people maintain consistent, safe and ethical sexual boundaries.  He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Nice vs. Good

Thanks for wanting to read "Nice versus Good", a short observation about honesty in communication.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit for that and many other topics related to personal growth and human development.  Thanks!
Bill

Fueled By or Ruled By?

Thank you for wanting to read "Fueled By or Ruled By", and short description of the difference between motivation and obsession.  I have moved it one quick click away to my primary website.  I hope you will visit it now!

Flooding vs. Washing

A flood is not just about what happens when a river exceeds its banks.  It can also refer to what happens when a person is subjected to more intense stimulation than he or she can effectively handle.  Some brief comparisons between the natural world of geography and the inner experience of the mind will illuminate this point.

Whenever a person is overwhelmed by more cognitive or emotional input than the brain can effectively process, a kind of neurological flooding occurs.  The nervous system can only handle so much before it starts to withdraw from the source of stimulation.  This is when people begin to compensate in a number of ways: the ability to pay attention diminishes or emotional responsiveness begins to ‘numb out‘.  

In more drastic situations a person who is flooded with intensely unpleasant emotional stimuli can start to shut down along several dimensions of healthy functioning.  Reactions become either blunted or excessive, a sense of emotional security can begin to wither, and a person’s overall ability to cope with even minor events can falter.  Once effective neurological processing ceases to keep up with the excessive demands placed upon it, long-term traumatic repercussions can develop.  Just as in nature, the damage caused by flooding can continue long after the waters recede.    

But the amount of water that falls is not the only reason why a flood occurs.  How the land is contoured can make all the difference.   A well-irrigated field can handle a lot of water, and even benefit from it, while a barren plain has no place for the water to go.  Similarly, good drainage goes a long way toward keeping the current moving without backing up to cause even more extensive damage.  Ground that is already saturated can’t absorb any more.  And finally, the strength of the barrier between water and land is as crucial as anything else.  The flood doesn’t happen unless the levee breaks.  

All of these variables have correlates within the human coping mechanism.  Based upon the above, it’s possible to be as prepared as possible to prevent emotional flooding when a deluge of stress occurs in life.

For instance, are you well-irrigated or barren?  This is determined by the extent to which you have ways to expend the energy of anxiety in the most effective ways possible.  Exercise, hobbies, creative outlets, adequate sleep and diet, spiritual and philosophical sources of support and other aids to the development of resiliency all help to dissipate and even productively utilize some measure of stress in productive ways.

What does it mean to have good psychological ‘drainage’?  This is achieved by having trustworthy people to confide in about the full range of your emotional experience.  This is why friends, healthy family members, support group peers and even counselors and therapists are so important.  This helps your emotional ground from becoming so saturated that you can’t handle any more difficulties constructively.

Self-awareness can’t be over-emphasized.  Remaining mindful of your entire state of being is crucial to insuring the health of your intellect, emotions, body, relationships and spirit.  This is the equivalent of monitoring the levee when the waters rise and insuring that areas of ‘high ground’ remain fully tended.  This is not the time to realize you have holes in your boat, no oars and no provisions to use until help arrives or the waters recede.

This whole extended metaphor emerged from a simple reflection in a therapy session about the distinction between ‘flooded’ and ‘’washed’.  To finish the analogy, this is the benefit of keep all gutters and drains free of emotional debris so that they can effectively carry the stress away.  With these characteristics, you can withstand the inevitable deluges of life stress to come into and go out of your life in the best way possible.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Explain vs. Explore

Thank you for wanting to read "Explain vs. Explore", a short reflection on the differences between these two concepts.  It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit for it and many other articles related to personal growth and human development.

Presence of the Negative vs. Absence of the Positive

Thanks for wanting to read this brief reflection on the difference between eliminating negative influences and adding positive influences in your life, and how this relates to happiness.  I've moved this entry one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit now.  Thanks.

Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT.

Intentional vs. Invitational

Thank you for wanting to read "Intentional vs. Invitational", a brief observation about the distinction between these two important concepts.  It has been moved one quick click away to the website of Atlanta psychotherapist Bill Herring, LCW, CSAT.

"If" vs. "Is"

Thank you for watning to read "If vs. Is", an essay about living life in reality as opposed to fantasy.  It has been moved one quick click away to the website of Atlanta therapist Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT

"Got to" vs. "Get To"

Thank you for wanting to read "Got To vs. Get To", a brief meditation on teh value of turning obligation ito opportunity. This blog post has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit toay.  Thanks!

Strong vs. Discerning

Thank you for wanting to read "Strength versus Discernment", a short essay on the value of making the right choices ahead of time.  It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit for it and many other interesting and informative topics.

Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a smart, seasoned and accomplished Atlanta counselor and therapist.  His respectful, motivational and non-confrontational approach effectively helps individuals and couples live a happier and more meaningful life.  Mr. Herring offers discreet and confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available both in person and by phone, and he welcomes your call or email .

Apology vs. Empathy

Thank you for wanting to read this little essay about the value of empathy, which is often overlooked when apologizing.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.  Thanks.

Bill

Reasons vs. Excuses

Thank you for wanting to read "Reasons vs. Excuses', a brief essay on the importance of accepting responsibility for behavior.  It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit in order to read it and other interesting, enjoyable and enlightening observations about personal development.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta psychotherapist available for individuals and couples seeking to live happier and more fulfilling lives.  Mr. Herring offers confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available for in-person and online counseling, consultation and coaching, and is easily reached by phone or email .

Smart vs. Wise

Thank you for wanting to read this short essay on the distinction between true wisdom and mere intelligence.  It's been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which i hope you will visit now.  Thanks.

Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT

Heal vs. Fix

Thank you for wanting to read "Heal vs. Fix", an essay about the crucial distinction between these two conepts, especially whe applied to relationships.  It is has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit now.  Thanks.

Quantity vs. Quality

I have counseled many financially successful individuals who find their personal and family lives in turmoil. Such men and women are often emotionally unprepared for such a shock, in part because they have insufficiently developed their insight into the deeper treasures of life.

I think many adults have spent years trying to fulfill an image of themselves that they latched onto when they were vulnerable children. But a child's idea of what constitutes success is not likely to be sufficient for a fully formed adult. The transient nature of contemporary life often results in a lack of true mentors along the road to adulthood, and this absence of caring counsel all too often results in men and women who find their lives emotionally impoverished after they've achieved the trappings of outward success.

There is a tremendous difference between quantity (how much one has) and quality (what it ultimately means). Without the proper emotional guidance along the way it is easy to end up with piles of stuff rather than depth of meaning. Oscar Wilde famously quipped that "a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing", and unfortunately there are a lot of similarly disillusioned people whose lives are not as fulfilling and satisfying as they had initially hoped and worked for.

More is not always better. As Albert Einstein observed, "not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." To understand this is the beginning of true wisdom.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Quest Vs. Compulsion

This is another in my continuing series of "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of concepts that share some similarities but which contain a vital distinction that can have great implications for a how a person lives each day. One such distinction that recently came up in a therapy session was between a "compulsion" and a "quest".

Many people use compulsions to get through the day: cigarettes, lust hits, rituals, worry.....all can be forms of escape or ways to manage intolerable feelings. Who has time to feel with all these compulsions demanding attention?

But a quest is another story. The idea of a quest almost sounds archaic in these modern times, but the image is a noble one that can have great sustaining power. A quest is a tenacious searching, an effort to appease longing by seeking the object of its desire.

I saw a similar distinction recently in a book titled "Walking A Sacred Path" (which describes many productive uses of walking a labyrinth such as the one behind my office). The author posited the distinction between a tourist and a pilgrim. One comes to witness and enjoy the locale while the other comes to bear witness and engage the soul.

Are you on a quest, or merely compulsive? Are you a tourist or a pilgrim in your life?
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Breaking Down Vs. Breaking Open

Life can sure be hard....no doubt about it. There's not one of us who doesn't suffer, often from our own making. We do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. We try to change others rather than grow ourselves. We socially isolate, emotionally dissociate, excessively medicate, compulsively masturbate, continually procrastinate, alienate, hate....and then it's too late.

The crash hurts. It can be a hard fall that comes suddenly or after a long gradual descent. You may be the last to know or the only one who knows. Either way, hitting bottom doesn't leave many choices: shut down into the death of your spirit or open up to the possibility of a new life with new operating instructions. Sometimes a breakdown is the start of a breakthough. It's rarely a sudden transformation (although it mimics that at times), but the breaking open allows the old infection to drain out and heal in the sun and light. And then a new strength emerges.

The 13th century poet Rumi wrote:

There is a secret medicine
given only to those who hurt so hard
they can’t cope.

This type of defeat is the preparation for a new life. You are at this moment poised between your history and your destiny. Seek to remain open and your growth will exceed the limits of your imagination.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

"Reaching For" vs. "Ready For"

I regularly write about examples of what I call "therapeutic distinctions", concepts that are similar but which contain crucial differences that can be utilized to facilitate personal growth. One such distinction is between actively seeking a certain goal and being open to receiving directions or solutions as may gradually emerge or be revealed.

Simply put, "reaching for" a solution or goal involves actively pursuing a course of action. This is directive behavior designed to accomplish a particular objective or task. I think most of us operate primarily in this manner: we decide on a course of action to take in reaction to what we like or dislike and then engage our energies accordingly. Seems pretty straightforward, right?

But there is another often-neglected process that can be crucial in pursuing the best path through life. It involves cultivating the part of our awareness that is receptive to guidance, whether such guidance arrives to us through other people, our own deeper consciousness or from forces that seem spiritually inspired. Such receptivity is a rare commodity on the ego's turf, for it threatens the sense that we know what is best for ourselves. To be open to the vagaries of progressive revelation challenges our faith, for doing so requires a willingness to both not know what to do and to stay in that precarious state of "not-knowing".

On the surface this can seem to be a more passive approach than getting out there and finding a solution to whatever problem is at hand. To be open to guidance that may gradually emerge rather than seeking its lair takes great patience and courage. It's the difference between chasing an animal and peacefully waiting with open hands until it learns you are safe to approach.

The tools of receptivity include quiet, patience, a sense of calm in the midst of turmoil, keen awareness, a well-developed intuition and humility. These qualities are often in short supply in the hustle and bustle of contemporary life. Many of us are more comfortable reaching for a goal than being receptive to guidance.

I find it helpful to consider both activity and receptivity as two distinct forms of energy. Whether it is called "yin-yang", "masculine-feminine", "doing-being", "seeking-receiving" or "reaching for-ready for", the ability to balance both forms of energy is a mighty fine trait to possess.

We have all experienced times when we were sure of the right course to take, only to later regret our decision. There is an old aphorism that goes: "Act in haste, regret at leisure." There is another saying from 12-step programs that says "my best thinking got me in trouble." People who nod wisely at this saying have generally experienced a lot of pain and sorrow as a result of their own decisions. It is often these same people who have learned to listen to others, to be teachable, to follow suggestions, to be humble in the face of turmoil and discord and to spend more time engaged in reflection, prayer or meditation.

I realize this is a very philosophical distinction and I hesitated writing about it for fear it would seem too esoteric for many people. Yet I all too often recognize the unfortunate results of people who either act without a sufficient period of reflection or are stuck in the "paralysis or analysis". Some of the best assistance I can provide a person seeking my help is to develop his or her ability to be receptive and to recognize the "still quiet voice" of true inner guidance.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

What vs. Why

Thank you for wanting to read this short little essay on the value of meaning.  It has been moved one short click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit for this and many other essays and articles to educate and inspire you.

Willing vs. Able

It's been quite some time since I have added to my extensive list of "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of concepts which are similar in many ways but which actually contain important differences that people may often confuse or overlook.

I had a conversation with a client this week about an important decision he is facing which can have profound implications for his future happiness and well-being. I think it's fair to say that most of us at some point in life have to make a choice that forces us to stand for what we believe. It's at times like these that the distinction between "willingness" and "ability" comes to the forefront.

Few people believe an alcoholic who says "I can quit any time; I just don't want to yet." It's usually obvious to everyone but the person making this statement that the claim of unwillingness in actuality masks an essential inability. A person lost in an addiction or obsession is falsely comforted in thinking that willingness is the core problem when in actuality lack of self-control is the real elephant in the room.

Similarly, it's also common for people to hide behind the claim of inability to mask the truth that they are stubbornly clinging to their own willfulness. Sometimes "I can't" really means "I won't", just as "I don't want to" can obscure the harsher reality that the person is essentially weak or even powerless.

It can take rigorous self-reflection and deft inquiry to distinguish weakness from stubbornness. Often when a person claims one characteristic, I want to help them examine the other possibility. The implications can be tough either way: would you rather admit you are powerless over your choices and actions or that your life is an example of "self-will run riot"? Either way can be a tough truth to face, but often one is a ladder out of your hole while the other is a shovel.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.