Mud Moments in Earth School

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a well seasoned Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples live fuller, happier and more meaningful lives.  In addition to working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on helping good people maintain consistent, safe and ethical sexual boundaries. More info at billherring.com

Confusion Is Progress

Thanks for wanting to read "Confusion Is Progress", a short observation about the value of remaining teachable.  This post has been moved one quick click away to my primary website.

"No" Is a Complete Sentence.

Thank you for wanting to read my short essay " 'No' Is a Complete Sentence".  I have moved this one quick click away to my primary website.  Thanks!
-Bill

Time Trip Tips

Thanks for wanting to read "Time Trip Tips", a short reflection of the value as well as the difficulty of stay "in teh now".  I have moved it one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.  Thanks.

Thermometers and thermostats

Thank you for wanting to read this brief observation about managing emotions versus merely reacting to them.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

Is It Really Just?

“Just” has the potential to be a dangerous word.

“Just” is the sound of a camel getting his nose into the tent: his body will soon follow.  “I’m just going to have one drink”.  "It's just a little lie." "I just couldn't help myself."

“Just” is a Trojan horse bearing excuses.  “I was just…..”  are three little words that can defend against almost any charge or accusation. In adult relationships, when someone explains their relationship with another person by saying "we're just good friends", chances are they're more than that.
 

"Just" has its place, but not as much as it wants.  It is a word that can make anything relative, and some things don't work that way.  A classic example is someone who is “just a little pregnant”.

"Just" shares a root with "justification".  It can be used to justify all kinds of shenanigans. Some people utter it like a magical incantation to minimize the significance of almost any event or action. 

"Just" can distort reality to a person's wishes. “I’ll just be five more minutes on the computer” often turns out to be half an hour.  It keeps people from having to say exactly what they mean.

"Just" is not always just.

Just do it?  Sometimes, but not always.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a well seasoned Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples live fuller, happier and more meaningful lives.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on helping good people maintain consistent, safe and ethical sexual boundaries.  He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Participate, Don't Anticipate!

A natural function of the human brain is to consider how any particular situation is going to play out.  Being able to predict the outcome of an action or event is crucial not only for survival but for happiness.  The earliest humans undoubtedly regularly anticipated the future to insure successful hunting of prey: which way will dinner go? 

Predictive ability is therefore an evolutionary skill.  And yet this ability can turn into a liability when taken to extremes.  As an example, one characteristic of people who are prone to excessive anxiety is to spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on what might happen.  This is the wellspring of what can grow to become an unhealthy obsession.  Planning to achieve or avoid a certain outcome can become so consuming that it prevents actively being “in the moment”.  This is a case where “if”prevents “is”.  Before long fantasy (imagining something that will only exist in the future, if at all) takes time and energy away from reality (obviously, what actually exists in the present). 

Fantasy is often unconsciously used as a way to deal with anxiety.  This is why I recommend becoming skilled at:

1.  noticing periods of intensified fantasy (as measured by how often it occurs, how intense it is and/or how long it lasts, i.e. frequency, severity, duration) and then to take two more  related steps:
2.  coming back to the “here and now”, and
3.  reflecting on what thoughts, feelings or events were just occurring immediately prior to the flight into fantasy, in order to deal with them in a healthier, more direct manner.

Staying engaged in the present moment is helpful in reducing anxiety and letting go of preconceived notions of how something should work out.  Rather than attempting to anticipate how a course of action will unfold, endeavor to simply participate in the moment without “future tripping”.  This creates a haven for happiness that does not depend on the future.

This strategy is consistent with what I consider to be two important principles: (a) we often don’t really know what kind of future is best for us, and (b) basing the worth of an action on a specific outcome takes us away from basic principle or serenity, i.e. being ok in the moment. Focusing on an outcome rather than a process turns us once again from human beings into human doings. 

Of course this does not mean that we should not prepare for our future by thinking ahead.  Fantasy is not the same as planning or vision.  Obviously it’s important to chart a course through life based upon certain realities, i.e. we will get older and our needs will change.  Also, a vision or quest for our higher self allows us to find the best opportunities for growth.  We may not reach it, but as Goethe wrote "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's heaven for?"

Future tripping is only one of a number of ways we can overuse fantasy like it's cognitive junk food.  I hope to eventually to eventually write a series of articles on what I consider to be the inherent danger of “fantasy addiction”, such as re-imagining our past based on what we wish we had done, projecting our insecurities onto other people by “comparing our inside with their outside”, and so forth.  

So remember, rather than overly anticipating where your life will head, fully occupy this moment by participating where you are.

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Breaking Newton's Law

Anybody who studied introductory physics in high school will recognize Newton’s “first law of motion”, which basically says that a body at rest will remain at rest while a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

This rule is obviously true for humans as well:  we tend to build up a momentum in whatever we are doing – and whatever we are not doing.  A person who starts exercising is likely to continue to do so once the rewards of this habit begin to show themselves, such as increased vigor, a healthier body, reduced stress, etc.  Similarly, lethargy works the same way: below a certain point of momentum it’s just hard to “get going”.  I’ve previously written about the fact that a plane doesn’t fly at 40 miles an hour.  Below a minimum speed it’s impossible to achieve enough “lift”.  In human motivation this is sometimes called laziness, but I prefer to think of it as simply a lack of momentum.

 

As in so many things, an extreme at either end of the spectrum carries a certain amount of risk. Once lethargy becomes a lifestyle little is accomplished, which contributes to a lack of meaning in life which in turn opens the way for emotional difficulties to slowly develop.  This is when it is time to heed the warning to “don’t just sit there, do something!” On the other hand, a person who is rigorously exercising needs to take an occasional day off to let the body rest and heal.  Some people are practically workaholics and struggle to take care of themselves.  Their need is to relax, unplug and "don't just do something….sit there!”

    

But there is another level of human behavior where Newton’s law doesn’t apply.  It’s the reality that all people are constantly shifting from one state of activity to another.  It doesn’t take much reflection for this to become readily evident.   You eat when you are hungry and stop eating when you are full.  When you grow tired it’s time for sleep and wake up when you are rested.  When the world intrudes it is natural to seek some solitude for awhile until the inevitable point when the desire returns to re-engage “life on life’s terms”. From this perspective, day-to-day existence is a constant shift between starting and stopping.

 

I’ve previously discussed that one measurement of sanity is appropriate use of limits and boundaries.  Sometimes people need a lot of practice and assistance to stop acting, thinking or feeling a certain way.  At other times the greater challenge is to take our foot off the brakes and charge as fully as possible into new frontiers.   In either case there comes a strategic time for defining the direction and form to the change that is bound to happen.

The way to guide this transition as productively as possible is to practice continual self-awareness.  It is so easy to mentally “check out” and let the inevitable energy shifts just ebb back and forth like the tide without sailing across the water to a desired destination.  Developing conscious mindfulness is the way to manage and adjust the inevitable shift of energy between one state and another.

Some type of 'jolt' to the system is almost guaranteed to engage the gears in a new direction.  This may be as small as a conscious decision to set the alarm clock fifteen minutes earlier than usual in order to meditate on the day ahead.  On the other end of the spectrum, a crisis that disrupts the foundation of your life can be the impetus for an entirely new way of living.  The trick is that it’s not the event itself that changes the flow of energy through you.  It’s the decision that comes from within that makes all the difference in the world and stands Newton on his head.  This is the time when “hitting bottom” can lead a person to the crucial crisis of meaning that is capable of changing an entire way of life.

But the impetus for shifting direction doesn’t have to be so dramatic.  The only action that is necessary is the simple decision to do something different.  It hardly matters what it is.  Any change in a part of a system will influence the system itself.  All it takes is finding the “difference that makes a difference.”  The conscious decision to "lean in the opposite direction" can cause an object at rest to rocket into another dimension.  

Some laws are made to be broken.

Make Your Bed

Thank you for wanting to read "Make Your Bed", a short observation about the value of being orderly without being overly regimented.  It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit.  Thanks!

You're Not Upset

Thank you for wanting to read "You're Not Upset", a brief essay on what the word "upset" whould seldom be used.  It's been move one quick click away to my promary website, which I hope you will visit!  Thanks.

Go Slower To Get There Faster

Thank you for wanting to read "Go Slower To Get There Faster", a reflection on the value of pacing in both psychotherapy as in life.  This article has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit today.

-Bill

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  Mr. Herring offers discreet and confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Pay Now Or Pay Later

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a well seasoned Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples live fuller, happier and more meaningful lives.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on helping good people maintain consistent, safe and ethical sexual boundaries.  He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Forging Iron In A Time Of Crisis

Thank you for wanting to read "Forging Iron In a Time of Crisis", an essay about how intense personal struggle can be used to create a stronger sense of self when it is managed with care and the support of others.  It has been moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit for it and the many other articles and essars you will find there.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  Mr. Herring offers discreet and confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Meaningful Meantime

Thank you for wanting to read my post "Meaningful Meantime", a short reflection on the value of living in the moment.  This brief entry has been moved just one quick click away to the website of my Atlanta psychotherapy and counseling practice, which I hope you will visit to find this and many other articles related to personal growth and development.

Problems And Solutions

Thank you for your desire to read "Problems and Solutions", a short reflection on how we tend to perceive our difficulties in life.  This article has been moved to this location on my primary website, which I hope you will visit with a simple click.
-Bill

You're Not "Fine"

Thanks for wanting to read "You're Not Fine", a brief essay about the need to use more descriptive words when talking about your feelings.  it has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

Lean In The Opposite Direction

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Go Slower To Get There Faster

Thank you for wanting to read "Go Slower to Get There Faster", a reflection on the value of pacing the process of personal growth order to achieve the best possible outcome, has moved one quick click away to my primary website, which you can reach with a simple click.

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  Mr. Herring offers discreet and confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Why "Better" is Better Than "Best"

Thank you for wanting to read this valuable perspective on the dangers of perfection and the benefits of gradual improvement when setting goals.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website which I hope you will visit for this and other worthwhile essays and observations to promote personal growth and development. 

Bill

Emotional Color Wheel

Thank you for wanting to read "Emotional Color Wheel", a way to think about emotions as being similar to emotions.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit today!
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 Bill Herring is an Atlanta counselor and psychotherapist.