70 Plus 70 Equals 100

Thank you for wanting to read "70 Plue 70 Equals 100", a short observation about the need in a relationship for both parties to do more than "meet in teh middle". It has been one one quick click away to Bill Herring's website.

Or?

In 2009 I wrote a piece about how the simple word "and" has tremendous therapeutic potential.  I still begin some counseling sessions by just gently saying to my client: ".....and?"  It acknowledges that all stories are ongoing, that endings are often merely pauses, and that each moment is always ripe for development.  I also pointed out how "and" can serve as a marvelous replacement for the word "but".  Try it and see!

A little over a year later I wrote a follow-up reflection on how the phrase ".....and yet?" helps to draw out healthy alternative perspectives on any issue at hand.  It's a way of asking "what's on the opposite side of the coin?"  As I wrote then:

Sometimes I will simply alternate between asking "...and?" along with "...and yet?"  in a friendly fashion.  Rocking gently back and forth between these two simple questions can lead to a great deal of consideration of the relative merits of any position, decision or course of action.

It's now time for my yearly comment on another therapeutic conjunction, and this year's candidate is "or".  This is a true powerhouse of a word for therapeutic change, for its job is to bring choice into the forefront of consideration.  Without choice freedom doesn't exist and real consciousness is reduced to a merely mechanical process.  As an example, there's no "or" for an engine: it just does the job it's built to do.  Choices are the domain of the driver who determines which way to go.  If you're not consciously considering what your choices are in this moment you're not really driving your life.  And there's no choice without the concept of "or". 

This may seem like meaningless wordplay, but there are times when the absence of "or"  is serious business.  An addict experiencing a powerful compulsion has the "or" squeezed out of him, leaving nothing but more of the same familiar pain ahead.  Couples get locked into the same no-win conflicts because they lose the ability to make truly mindful choices when the heat is on.  Part of a successful therapeutic experience is building more "or" into any sequence of behaviors.

"Or" is the sound of freedom.  It's absence is inevitability.

I'm already wondering what conjunction will be up for examination a year from now.  My prediction is "yet".  Stay tuned.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a well seasoned Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples live fuller, happier and more meaningful lives.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on helping good people maintain consistent, safe and ethical sexual boundaries.  He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Nice vs. Good

Thanks for wanting to read "Nice versus Good", a short observation about honesty in communication.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit for that and many other topics related to personal growth and human development.  Thanks!
Bill

Place and Pace

Thank you for wanting to read "Places and Paces", a brief observation about the balance between similarities and differences that characterize many healthy relationships.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website.

You're Not Upset

Thank you for wanting to read "You're Not Upset", a brief essay on what the word "upset" whould seldom be used.  It's been move one quick click away to my promary website, which I hope you will visit!  Thanks.

".....And Yet?"

Thank you for wanting to read this short essay about using simple questions in psychotherapy to elicit useful possible conversations.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website which I hope you will enjoy for the information you find there.
-Bill

"I Love You, But....."

Thank you for wanting to read "I Love You, But....", a brief observations about the value of expressing caring and affection during a conflict with a relationship partner.  This post has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

Communicating About Communication

Due to the popularity of this article, I've moved it to my primary website which you can easily access by clicking this link. While there you can check out some of the many other articles I've written to help people live happier, healthier and more productive lives.  Feel free to comment on anything you read there!

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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a highly experienced Atlanta counselor and psychotherapist offering a respectful, motivational, non-confrontational approach to individuals and couples seeking to live a happier and more meaningful life.  Mr. Herring offers discreet and confidential counseling and consultation for a wide variety of life issues. He is also a nationally recognized specialist on compulsive sexual behavior and chronic sexual infidelity.   He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .

Apology vs. Empathy

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Bill

Two Types Of Power

Thank for wanting to read "Two Types of Power", a reflection on the differences in which power is utilized in intimate relationships.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

How Do You Paint A Flower?

Thanks for wanting to read this brief essay about how artistic vision holds insights for life and realtionships.  I have moved it one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit to read this and other essays about the human journey of human growth and emotional development.

Bill

The Hardest Year In A Marriage

Thank you for wanting to read "The Hardest Year In A Marriage", a short reflection on the worthwhile challenges of maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.   This article has moved one quick click away to my professional website, which I hope you will visit for it and many other articles related to personal growth and development.

Look For 70's And Above

I've previously written about the value of a good therapeutic question as being indispensable in helping people reframe their view of a problem and make progress toward a healthier way of thinking, feeling and acting. I recently found myself using an "old favorite" with a married couple struggling with some deep relationship problems. It involves the use of a "1 to 100" scale to quantify a goal. Here's how it works:

The man and woman sitting in front of me were very frustrated and exhausted by the problems in their relationship. As so often happens, their dissatisfaction was negatively influencing even the healthy aspects of their life together. Just like a toothache can make you feel bad all over, their areas of difficulty were infecting every aspect of their relationship. This is a vicious cycle that can spiral downward at an alarming rate once is takes root. Part of my immediate job was to instill some much-needed hope and to help this couple distinguish the healthy from the problematic aspects of their functioning.

I asked both parties to rate the overall state of their relationship on a scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being the absolute worst and 100 being perfection. (I've never had anybody choose either of the extreme numbers). The husband said "50" and the wife said "30". Sometimes just this one question can lead to productive discussion about differences in perception that can be useful to explore.

I then asked them to pick a number representing the minimum level of satisfaction that would allow them to feel that they were making progress and to therefore feel hopeful about the prospect of making future improvement. Like most people they were pretty realistic about this question and both agreed that a "70" would represent the smallest improvement that would be meaningful to both of them.

I suggested that they devote their attention before the next session on any situations that seemed like a "70" or above to either of them, no matter how small. (I've previously written about the use of "homework" to clients who are open to this approach.) I emphasized that "70's" can be short-lived and come at the strangest times, requiring them to be alert for these momentary examples of adequate functioning. I also made it clear that each person may have different examples of what a "70 or above" looks like and that it's not important that they agree with each other or even mention it as long as they noticed it. I told them I would ask what they observed the next time we met.

As almost invariably happens, both people were able the next session to describe examples of times when they noticed aspects of their relationship to be at least a "70". Often the situations are seemingly minor, which is great news. When people start to realize that their problems are contained to certain areas of their lives and that other areas are relatively functional, they begin to combat the notion that everything is broken. The wound stops infecting the whole system. It also becomes powerfully evident that perfection is not needed to feel hopeful or healthy. A "70" may be far from perfect but if it can qualify as a passing grade then the prospect of failure ceases to loom so large.

This question in itself is not perfect (few things are) but it's one of very many tools that I've found useful for building functionality and resilience in relationships. Thousands of years ago the Greek mathematician Archimedes famously said "Give me a long enough lever and a fulcrum on which to place it and I shall move the world." Similarly, the right questions and conversations will shift perspectives sufficiently enough to transform lives.
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Mature Birds and Bees

Thank you for wanting to read "Mature Birds and Bees: Sex in Later Life", which has been moved one click away to my professional website. I hope you enjoy reading it.

No Tease Zone

Thanks for wanting to read "No Tease Zone", a brief explanation for my recommendation that couples eliminate even good-natured teasing from their relationship.  It has been moved one quick click away to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

A Useful Definition of Intimacy

Thank you for wanting to read "A Useful Definition of Intimacy", which has been moved one quick click away to my professional website. I hope you will enjoy this and other helpful articles about emotional growth and human potential that I have posted there.

The Art of Apologizing

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"Made Me"

The words we use influence the way we think, and vice-versa. In my work I pay close attention to the words people use to express their feelings and perceptions. One phrase that comes up fairly frequently is "made me", as in "he made me mad."

It can seem like a minor point, but this phrase usually puts the speaker in the position of a victim, and by doing so it removes personal responsibility from that person. It's generally much more accurate to say "I'm angry (about what he did)." This positions the speaker in the center or his or her own experience. Such language reflects that we are essentially and primarily responsible for our own feelings.

A similar problem comes with phrases such as "you hurt me." I much prefer using words such as "I'm hurt (by what you said or did)." The reason is similar to the "made me" fallacy. Think of it this way: imagine that one person is speaking to a group of 10 people and only one of them is highly bothered and upset. Did the speaker "make" that 10th person experience such a reaction? Often an emotional reaction is not inherent in the speaker's comments but is rather created by some particular sensitivity or history in the other person.

This is not to imply that we are always entirely responsible for our feelings. If someone injures or betrays me then indeed that perpetrator bears responsibility for effects of that behavior. But it remains true that we tend to empower people and deny our responsibility for our own feelings far too often. This "blame game" objectifies relationships, keeps us victimized and rarely results in personal growth and improvement.

The choice is yours!
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Hurt People Hurt People

The saying "hurt people hurt people" is a gentle reminder that people who are at peace with themselves and the world generally do not engage in hostility and violence. If someone says or does something rude, harmful or even injurious to me, I can bet that person has some emotional thorn in his or her spirit. This doesn't excuse mean or harmful behavior but it reminds me that its source is a person who is hurting at a deep level.

Again, this insight doesn't mean that I am able to easily excuse someone who is acting like a jerk. But it's so easy to simply objectify a person like this rather than remembering that everybody hurts and some people deal with this pain worse than others. If I can remember that this kind of acting-out is a form of sickness (which I have exhibited all too often in my own life) then I am more likely to seek some sort of connection with the deeper level of that person and to treat him or her more as a real human being than I may otherwise want to do.

There's a saying sometimes heard in 12-step meetings that goes: "I'm not a bad person trying to be a good person, I'm a sick person trying to get well." This pretty well sums up the difference between objectifying and understanding a person who is engaging in emotionally hurtful behavior. Either this is essentially my enemy (or at least a hindrance) to be defended against, or its a fellow human with some degree of emotional or spiritual sickness (or at least unease) in need of some way to heal.

When I realize this I can provide a little medicine in the form of some understanding, empathy or support, and I can protect my own ego from harm by trying not to take the situation overly personally. It's silly to invest a sick or hurt person with too much power over me, but that's exactly what I do I put serenity at their mercy. Finally, it helps me to recognize all the times I've let my own hurts affect the way I've treated others. The same shoe fits a lot of feet!

What can you do today to provide a little touch of healing in a sick world?

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling and therapy trends and observations, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Command vs. Demand

(Note: this is yet another in a continuing series of what I call "therapeutic distinctions" between related concepts that create confusion in peoples' lives and benefit greatly by clarification.)

Recently I was having lunch with a good friend who mentioned in passing the distinction between "commanding" and "demanding" that he came to appreciate by reading Machiavelli. We didn't talk about it for long but the distinction stayed with me for several days.

I work with couples in various stages of crisis, and some issues present themselves with regularity, such as problems in the area of power and influence. Demands are often a form of verbal abuse that seldom achieves the intended goal without some destructive emotional cost and therefore a weakening of the relationship. Force of will is not at all the same as force of character. The demand for compliance can move a body but not a heart. It takes a commanding presence to inspire confidence and the willingness to move into uncomfortable territory. A command emanates from an earned right while a demand relies on nothing more than might.

A commander is a true leader while a demander need be nothing more than a petulant tyrant. A person cannot demand respect, only command it. The only result from a demand is compliance, and the cost is often exceedingly high in the long run.

In what ways do you either demand or command what you want from others and yourself? How strong are you really?
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(By the way, the graphic for this post is a "command" prompt -- get it?)