Look For 70's And Above

I've previously written about the value of a good therapeutic question as being indispensable in helping people reframe their view of a problem and make progress toward a healthier way of thinking, feeling and acting. I recently found myself using an "old favorite" with a married couple struggling with some deep relationship problems. It involves the use of a "1 to 100" scale to quantify a goal. Here's how it works:

The man and woman sitting in front of me were very frustrated and exhausted by the problems in their relationship. As so often happens, their dissatisfaction was negatively influencing even the healthy aspects of their life together. Just like a toothache can make you feel bad all over, their areas of difficulty were infecting every aspect of their relationship. This is a vicious cycle that can spiral downward at an alarming rate once is takes root. Part of my immediate job was to instill some much-needed hope and to help this couple distinguish the healthy from the problematic aspects of their functioning.

I asked both parties to rate the overall state of their relationship on a scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being the absolute worst and 100 being perfection. (I've never had anybody choose either of the extreme numbers). The husband said "50" and the wife said "30". Sometimes just this one question can lead to productive discussion about differences in perception that can be useful to explore.

I then asked them to pick a number representing the minimum level of satisfaction that would allow them to feel that they were making progress and to therefore feel hopeful about the prospect of making future improvement. Like most people they were pretty realistic about this question and both agreed that a "70" would represent the smallest improvement that would be meaningful to both of them.

I suggested that they devote their attention before the next session on any situations that seemed like a "70" or above to either of them, no matter how small. (I've previously written about the use of "homework" to clients who are open to this approach.) I emphasized that "70's" can be short-lived and come at the strangest times, requiring them to be alert for these momentary examples of adequate functioning. I also made it clear that each person may have different examples of what a "70 or above" looks like and that it's not important that they agree with each other or even mention it as long as they noticed it. I told them I would ask what they observed the next time we met.

As almost invariably happens, both people were able the next session to describe examples of times when they noticed aspects of their relationship to be at least a "70". Often the situations are seemingly minor, which is great news. When people start to realize that their problems are contained to certain areas of their lives and that other areas are relatively functional, they begin to combat the notion that everything is broken. The wound stops infecting the whole system. It also becomes powerfully evident that perfection is not needed to feel hopeful or healthy. A "70" may be far from perfect but if it can qualify as a passing grade then the prospect of failure ceases to loom so large.

This question in itself is not perfect (few things are) but it's one of very many tools that I've found useful for building functionality and resilience in relationships. Thousands of years ago the Greek mathematician Archimedes famously said "Give me a long enough lever and a fulcrum on which to place it and I shall move the world." Similarly, the right questions and conversations will shift perspectives sufficiently enough to transform lives.
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