"Made Me"

The words we use influence the way we think, and vice-versa. In my work I pay close attention to the words people use to express their feelings and perceptions. One phrase that comes up fairly frequently is "made me", as in "he made me mad."

It can seem like a minor point, but this phrase usually puts the speaker in the position of a victim, and by doing so it removes personal responsibility from that person. It's generally much more accurate to say "I'm angry (about what he did)." This positions the speaker in the center or his or her own experience. Such language reflects that we are essentially and primarily responsible for our own feelings.

A similar problem comes with phrases such as "you hurt me." I much prefer using words such as "I'm hurt (by what you said or did)." The reason is similar to the "made me" fallacy. Think of it this way: imagine that one person is speaking to a group of 10 people and only one of them is highly bothered and upset. Did the speaker "make" that 10th person experience such a reaction? Often an emotional reaction is not inherent in the speaker's comments but is rather created by some particular sensitivity or history in the other person.

This is not to imply that we are always entirely responsible for our feelings. If someone injures or betrays me then indeed that perpetrator bears responsibility for effects of that behavior. But it remains true that we tend to empower people and deny our responsibility for our own feelings far too often. This "blame game" objectifies relationships, keeps us victimized and rarely results in personal growth and improvement.

The choice is yours!
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