Solutions, Exceptions and Shamu

One of the bedrocks of my therapeutic approach is to help clients become better at noticing and reinforcing the changes they are seeking in their life. It's not enough to merely complain about a problem, although that may be initially necessary to understand what needs to be different. I believe in the adage, "you get more of what you notice", and a person who focuses primarily on negative events can get very good at noticing them all around. By the time clients come to me they are frequently experts at seeing and describing their problems, so my goal includes helping them focus more on finding the solutions. This often starts with noticing exceptions.

There is a branch of psychotherapy called "solution-focused therapy" that emphasizes the importance of noticing times when a particular problem is NOT present. Some issues that seem chronic or severe actually wax and wane under certain variables. A person who is depressed may actually feel OK a few times a day. A couple that argues a lot may find that they get along well in the morning, with friends or for awhile after making love. A parent with an unruly child may be able, with encouragement, to identify a host of activities that are not marred by conflict or disobedience. It's important to pay close attention to such exceptions in order to learn from them. Often we think of these problem-free moments as simply a moment to catch our breath before the next shoe drops. But there is almost always some greater insight to learn which is revealed with just a little effort.

Couples can especially get so accustomed to perceiving each other in old accustomed ways that they don't notice when some new or desired behavior is present. It's easy to discount change by saying "it won't last" or "it didn't really mean anything". On the other hand it's very easy to notice a problem once you are bothered by it. It's like rubbing a sore in your mouth -- you don't notice what is feeling OK as much as that one place that hurts like hell.

This tendency for couples to develop very ingrained ways of viewing each other is one reason I often prescribe an assignment that I call "the surprise." It works like this: I tell each person to do something they think will surprise the other -- anything out of the ordinary that is likely to be noticed. The trick is that they are not to do the surprising behavior without saying what it is. This assignment has a double benefit. First, it gives each person practice in acting creatively to break out of the kinds of ruts that inevitably develop in relationships. It also has the added bonus of encouraging each person to actively expect and look for new behavior from his or her partner. In short, it reinforces the importance of re-training our expectations and looking for exceptions in order to break out of old unproductive patterns.

I'll end by recommending what turned out to the the most read newspaper article of 2006, entitled "What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage", by Amy Sutherland. In this amusing and enlightening article the author recounts how she learned the secrets of expert animal trainers and applied those same ideas to her marriage.

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

I encourage couples to read this short, funny article and think of how to apply it to the goals they are seeking in their relationship. It's a way to build for the solutions you are seeking rather than just complaining about the problem. For more ideas about how to achieve the kinds of goals you are seeking in your life, contact me and we can discuss the possibility of getting together to discuss your specific situation.