One of my clients recently commented that his relatives always seemed to be in some kind of crisis, even when the situation they were dealing with didn't seem very large to him. Events and conflicts which he considered to be "normal problems of everyday living" always seemed more dramatic or chaotic in the hands of his family. This gave us an opportunity to discuss the difference between intensity and intimacy.
When people are 'up in arms' all the time there is a lot of energy in the air and situations tend to be very anxious, angry or otherwise emotional. These kinds of situations often draw others in, so people may be very involved in each others' lives and problems. All this putting out of fires and getting all caught up in each others' business can make it seem like people are very intimately connected to each other. Although in a way this is true it's mostly all surface turmoil, like the pounding and crashing waves of the sea.
But underneath all the turbulence there is a rich ocean of emotional connection that people in these kinds of tumultuous relationships rarely experience. It is difficult for a person in such chronically intense situations to feel safe enough to open up emotionally and share what is going on deep inside, which is the hallmark of true intimacy.
I have always like the insightful pun that "intimacy" means "into-me-see". True intimacy is the act of letting another person know your inner thoughts and feelings, your hopes and fears, your fantasies and foibles. This is more than some people can handle. They may not have grown up in settings that effectively modeled the safe expression of feelings. The presence of addictive disorders, male reluctance to express vulnerability and any of a host of related dynamics can stifle the expression of true intimacy.
Emotional intensity can be consuming, overwhelming and never-ending. Think of a long-running soap opera where nobody is ever really happy and some drama or intrigue is always brewing. Intensity often makes better television than intimacy, but in the real world it is only "into-me-see" that grows relationships.
My client realized with some satisfaction that he used to typically react in the same chaotic, intense way that he is now clearly notices in his relatives. His personal growth (which I consider to be heroic and inspiring) has given him a more balanced emotional approach to his life. He finds that he has to establish and enforce more boundaries with his family and they don't always agree with his decision to do so, but he is very clear and deeply satisfied that he is living his life, not theirs.
If you'd like to receive some personal guidance in deepening the quality of true intimacy in your life, feel free to contact me. Otherwise, I hope the ideas and insights on these pages continue to inspire and encourage you in your personal journey.
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