Therapeutic Metaphor: Speaking the Same Language

I think I picked up the following metaphor from either Janet Woititz or Claudia Black, both highly respected authors in the field of addiction and families. This metaphor addresses the common tendency for two people with specific histories of family dysfunction to find each other, develop a mutual attraction, form an intimate relationship, and then inexorably begin acting out a pattern of behaviors that recreates the unfinished business of each of their families of origin. In other words, both you and your partner start off thinking you're going to get away from whatever it was in your childhood that messed you up, only to find it surface in your relationship with each other.

How is it that two people can attract each other like magnets in such a way that each one inevitably pulls the other into an all-too-familiar dance that is often generations old, especially when so many other people wouldn't put up with it for a minute? Is it coincidence? Are they just unlucky? Cursed? No, they just "speak the same language".

Imagine a large ballroom containing hundreds or thousands of people from around the world who don't know each other. As everybody wanders around the room trying to figure out how to talk to each other, they will eventually begin to find those who speak their language. Our ears are keenly able to pick out the rhythms and cadences of our particular language, even if the words themselves are initially too indistinct to pick out of a crowd. Even among those with a shared language (such as English) we can steer toward and away from certain dialects spoken by people from various regions and cultures, regardless of what words are being spoken.

And so it is with the legacy of family dysfunction in all its forms. No matter what we talk about as we get to know others early in a relationship, there are always unconscious cues that are prompting us to feel either more or less "at home" with the latent legacies of our potential partners. We will inevitably find those with family histories that contain the specific types of unfinished business that dovetail with our own.

This is not cause for despair. Three important characteristics or abilities will help us. First, by knowing ourselves we are alert to the issues we are likely to bring out in others. Second, by knowing that our partners aren't magically going to "fix" us we can spend more time and effort consciously exploring these latent dynamics early on in the relationship so that they don't explode out of neglect later. Third, we can use the inherent pressure of these inevitable issues to enhance our evolution as individuals and partners, consciously creating the conditions for personal and relational growth. It takes a lot of work, but the rewards will be worth it for generations to come.
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