I’m pretty eclectic in my therapeutic work with clients: different theoretical approaches work best in different situations. Depending on an individual’s personality and needs I may be very directive (“do this”) or simply supportive (“wow, that sucks”). I might spend a lot of time working on how a client interacts with people or primarily focus on intrapsychic processes, i.e. what’s going on between the ears. I primarily use healing conversations to help clients work through their difficulties, (although I’m also trained in a technique called EMDR that helps dissipate the negative effects of trauma in a dramatically rapid manner).
I listen very carefully to my clients on a lot of simultaneous levels, and pay close attention to the words they use to describe their world. I look for opportunities to introduce and highlight subtle but crucial differences in concepts that people often take for granted. What follows are just a few of these important distinctions that I address at various times in the counseling process.
Self-love vs. self-pity -- It’s absolutely crucial to maintain a good positive self-regard, even when – no, especially when – you’re working hard to change some really fundamental aspects of your life. Beating yourself up for having problems doesn’t help a thing. The inevitable pain of life is hard enough without heaping tons of shame on yourself for whatever you think you did wrong.
All this leads to the distinction between self-love and self-pity. I once heard pity defined as “compassion mixed with contempt”, and I think that’s basically true. When we pity someone we are apt to feel subtly superior to them. So the only way to pity myself is by maintaining a psychological split in which one part of me feels superior to another.
By comparison, self-love is integrative. I'm not nearly as likely to view myself as composed of “that part which loves” and “that part which is loved”, for in the light of self-acceptance this division loses much of its relevance. Either the parts become “as one” or at the very least they get along a lot better with each other, for isn’t that what love does?
Judging vs. being judgmental -- In a manner similar to pity, the act of being judgmental contains a sense of superiority over something or someone. To be judgmental is to be broadly dismissive, to discount any value or relevance in the target. To borrow from Buber’s famous concept, it turns “I-Thou” into “I-it” relationships.
And yet it’s impossible to live a life without judgment. I like some things more than others. I have a moral code that holds some behaviors as good and others as bad. These are judgments, and the sum total of them that I hold is an important definition of the kind of person I am. So the trick here is to operate in a way that is true to my own values and preferences while remaining open to what I can learn about myself and the world through opposing opinions and perspectives.
Wanting vs. willing -- Sometimes people forget the vital distinction between these two concepts. We’re always willing to do what we want to do. The tricky part is to be willing not to do what we want, such as feed an addiction. Similarly, personal growth comes from being willing to do what we don’t want to do. Those sit-ups, that apology, that dental appointment, etc. all require an act of willingness that shows a capability for tolerating discomfort in the service of a greater good.
Needing vs. wanting – It’s easy and seductive to need. Love songs are filled with variations on the sentiment that “I need you more than life itself.” Sure, this is an intoxicating emotion, but so is the need to take another drink or pipe hit. When your relationship is built on needing someone you’ve lost most sense of choice in the matter. But to want someone or something without a sense of need is a true act of autonomy and protects us from being devastated when we don’t get our way.
Powerless vs. helpless-- This is a distinction that 12-step groups such as A.A. use a good deal. To recognize your essential powerlessness over a person, place or thing keeps you from getting caught up in a toxic need to control. (It’s very easy to be controlled by your need to control!) I’m all in favor of good outcomes, but since I can't always determine a person's actions or a particualr event it is important that my actions and attitudes have inherent worth so that I'm not a slave to outcome.
Limits vs boundaries – This is a simple distinction. Boundaries are applied toward others, and limits are applied toward ourselves. A hallmark of healthy, sane living is the presence of good limits and boundaires.
Sensation vs. emotion – We certainly live in a sensation-saturated society. It’s compelling to want to simply feel different. In essence the nature of life is to adapt to sensations. We become tired and we rest. After we rest we feel energetic. We seek excitement and then eventually want to calm down, at least until we begin to feel bored or restless. I just recently came upon a relevant quote by the mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal, who wrote "I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." One sensation follows another along an endless road.
By contrast, we also live in a culture that tends to be avoidant of many emotions. To experience a true emotion can be inherently risky, especially if it is one that society deems as “negative”. But the ability to experience and effectively process emotions within ourselves and with important people in our lives is crucial if we are to get off the merry-go-round of ever-changing sensations that spin us around while getting us nowhere.
These are just brief descriptions of some of the subtle distinctions that come up every day in my work with clients. I also find them helpful in my own life! Later I'll write more about some additional concepts that I find useful to address when counseling people to lead richer, more satisfying lives.
--------------
If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, successful living tips, counseling, essays and observations about psychotherapy and change, recovery from sex addiction and many other interesting and useful topics.
No comments:
Post a Comment