Or?

In 2009 I wrote a piece about how the simple word "and" has tremendous therapeutic potential.  I still begin some counseling sessions by just gently saying to my client: ".....and?"  It acknowledges that all stories are ongoing, that endings are often merely pauses, and that each moment is always ripe for development.  I also pointed out how "and" can serve as a marvelous replacement for the word "but".  Try it and see!

A little over a year later I wrote a follow-up reflection on how the phrase ".....and yet?" helps to draw out healthy alternative perspectives on any issue at hand.  It's a way of asking "what's on the opposite side of the coin?"  As I wrote then:

Sometimes I will simply alternate between asking "...and?" along with "...and yet?"  in a friendly fashion.  Rocking gently back and forth between these two simple questions can lead to a great deal of consideration of the relative merits of any position, decision or course of action.

It's now time for my yearly comment on another therapeutic conjunction, and this year's candidate is "or".  This is a true powerhouse of a word for therapeutic change, for its job is to bring choice into the forefront of consideration.  Without choice freedom doesn't exist and real consciousness is reduced to a merely mechanical process.  As an example, there's no "or" for an engine: it just does the job it's built to do.  Choices are the domain of the driver who determines which way to go.  If you're not consciously considering what your choices are in this moment you're not really driving your life.  And there's no choice without the concept of "or". 

This may seem like meaningless wordplay, but there are times when the absence of "or"  is serious business.  An addict experiencing a powerful compulsion has the "or" squeezed out of him, leaving nothing but more of the same familiar pain ahead.  Couples get locked into the same no-win conflicts because they lose the ability to make truly mindful choices when the heat is on.  Part of a successful therapeutic experience is building more "or" into any sequence of behaviors.

"Or" is the sound of freedom.  It's absence is inevitability.

I'm already wondering what conjunction will be up for examination a year from now.  My prediction is "yet".  Stay tuned.
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Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT is a well seasoned Atlanta-based counselor and psychotherapist who helps individuals and couples live fuller, happier and more meaningful lives.  While working with a wide range of adult clients, Mr. Herring is a nationally recognized specialist on helping good people maintain consistent, safe and ethical sexual boundaries.  He is available for in-person and online consultation and counseling, and may be easily reached by phone or email .