How Do You Paint A Flower?

So many problems between people stem from an insistence that everyone should see things the same way. Terrible destruction occurs in the world every day over differences in religious convictions, political ideologies, national identities, cultural viewpoints.....the list goes on and on. And on the level of intimate relationships between two people, it is so very common for one person to expect and even demand that his or her partner share an identical view on an issue that seems trivial to an outsider.

People who appreciate art know that the same image can be viewed in many ways. Van Gogh, Rembrandt or Picasso will depict the same flower very differently! Is any one of them "wrong"? Of course not. Each artist reveals some essential aspect of that flower's beauty.

In a sense we are all artists coloring the world according to our unique vision. So many couples in my counseling practice struggle with the challenge of reconciling their diverse approaches to life and relationships. While excessive disagreement is certainly a major problem with some couples, too much agreement can dull a relationship's spirit. Sex becomes limited to whatever behaviors don't challenge the most cautious person. New cuisines are never sampled. No one ever risks rocking the boat.

An art gallery that only displays works that appeal to everyone is not nearly as vibrant as those that challenge the viewer to expand his or her conception of what true art can reveal about the human experience. A dynamic balance between the two extremes is often the best course for all involved. The famous marriage therapist Virginia Satir held that couples connect on the basis of being similar but grow on the basis of being different.

I'm certainly not saying that all perspectives have equal validity. One person abusing another can't justify this type of behavior any more than someone defacing a work of art can claim a moral authority to do so. And the fact remains that divergent extremes of position have their own consequences, as is true for some artists who don't attract much of a following. But outside of these extremes there is a lot of room for diverse opinions if only we will respect them.

As Jackson Pollock said, "Every good painter paints what he is."