Willing vs. Able

It's been quite some time since I have added to my extensive list of "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of concepts which are similar in many ways but which actually contain important differences that people may often confuse or overlook.

I had a conversation with a client this week about an important decision he is facing which can have profound implications for his future happiness and well-being. I think it's fair to say that most of us at some point in life have to make a choice that forces us to stand for what we believe. It's at times like these that the distinction between "willingness" and "ability" comes to the forefront.

Few people believe an alcoholic who says "I can quit any time; I just don't want to yet." It's usually obvious to everyone but the person making this statement that the claim of unwillingness in actuality masks an essential inability. A person lost in an addiction or obsession is falsely comforted in thinking that willingness is the core problem when in actuality lack of self-control is the real elephant in the room.

Similarly, it's also common for people to hide behind the claim of inability to mask the truth that they are stubbornly clinging to their own willfulness. Sometimes "I can't" really means "I won't", just as "I don't want to" can obscure the harsher reality that the person is essentially weak or even powerless.

It can take rigorous self-reflection and deft inquiry to distinguish weakness from stubbornness. Often when a person claims one characteristic, I want to help them examine the other possibility. The implications can be tough either way: would you rather admit you are powerless over your choices and actions or that your life is an example of "self-will run riot"? Either way can be a tough truth to face, but often one is a ladder out of your hole while the other is a shovel.
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