(Note: this is yet another in a continuing series of what I call "therapeutic distinctions" between related concepts that create confusion in peoples' lives and benefit greatly by clarification.)
Recently I was having lunch with a good friend who mentioned in passing the distinction between "commanding" and "demanding" that he came to appreciate by reading Machiavelli. We didn't talk about it for long but the distinction stayed with me for several days.
I work with couples in various stages of crisis, and some issues present themselves with regularity, such as problems in the area of power and influence. Demands are often a form of verbal abuse that seldom achieves the intended goal without some destructive emotional cost and therefore a weakening of the relationship. Force of will is not at all the same as force of character. The demand for compliance can move a body but not a heart. It takes a commanding presence to inspire confidence and the willingness to move into uncomfortable territory. A command emanates from an earned right while a demand relies on nothing more than might.
A commander is a true leader while a demander need be nothing more than a petulant tyrant. A person cannot demand respect, only command it. The only result from a demand is compliance, and the cost is often exceedingly high in the long run.
In what ways do you either demand or command what you want from others and yourself? How strong are you really?
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(By the way, the graphic for this post is a "command" prompt -- get it?)
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