Impose vs. Expose

I find this to be such a profoundly useful concept that I'm surprised I haven't written about it yet. It is the difference between imposing and exposing our values, desires and beliefs.

When you share important aspects of your inner self with others then what you stand for is available for everyone to address out in the open. But what if you don't share these aspects of your inner self? Does that mean they don't exist? Of course not, but it does mean is that they reside outside the realm of discussion. Because of this limitation it is much more difficult for others to have an open conversation about their impact.

I'll say it a different way. I believe what I believe (obviously), and that doesn't change just because I may not share it with you. My beliefs are going to keep right on influencing what I find important, how I act at any particular moment and many other aspects of my personality. Again, whether or not I expose these beliefs to you they are going to inform my behavior and influence my interactions. But if you don't get to know what they are then you can only respond to their impact on you. In other words, if I don't consciously expose my feelings and beliefs I am more likely to unconsciously impose them on you.

This has deep implications on human relationships. Exposing my inner feelings and beliefs is a true act of intimacy (in a previous post I defined intimacy as "into-me-see"). Intimacy is often a very courageous act. It requires me to share what I stand for in a vulnerable way, and it is a courageous person who is vulnerable by choice. If I don't tell you what is going on inside me, i.e. expose myself vulnerably, then you don't get to know the most important parts of myself. The best you can do is try to figure me out by my actions, and that's easy to misinterpret. When you don't get to know whats' really inside me then I am more likely to influence you without revealing myself. This is the more common, and often more cowardly, act of imposing myself on you implicitly rather than exposing myself explicitly.

This brings us to a similar concept, which is the difference between what is covert and overt. When I don't expose myself then I am keeping important parts of myself under the covers or covert. When I expose my deeper self then I am taking what was covert and making it overt. By doing so I give you the opportunity to have access to important considerations you would not otherwise be able to have. The result is that I am less likely to impose anything on you covertly when I expose myself overtly.

I recently saw some lecture notes on a church classroom blackboard, and three words stood out: confront, avoid, reveal. The subject was obviously about communications styles, and I reflected in amazement on how comprehensive these three simple concepts are. In general we can either confront others (a form of imposing), avoid them, or reveal our opinions and feelings in order to provide them with useful personal information (exposing ourselves).

I've worked in therapy with many couples who rarely if ever expose their weaknesses, foibles, vulnerabilities, fears, etc. This often results in these hidden aspects of their personalities coming out in controlling behavior, shaming words, vast dead zones of avoidant silences and other noxious or toxic dynamics. When people start engaging in more self-reflective statements and actions that reveal these inevitable human qualities in a more mutually available manner, the entire climate of a relationship can change toward dramatically greater health and vitality.

So the watchword of the day is: by making the covert overt you will expose rather than impose yourself.
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